


All I have are thoughts of me

by unknown_knowns



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game), Life Is Strange: Before The Storm (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Bars and Pubs, Drinking, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Health Issues, Music, Musicians, Rachel is not an asshole, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Underage Drinking, alternative universe, it's okay to not be okay, starts off sad but gets happier, stuff still hurts okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknown_knowns/pseuds/unknown_knowns
Summary: Chloe's best friend is gone.She has nothing, anymore.Without the monotony of school distracting her, she can only think.One day, after thinking too much, she meets a chipper young girl from California.And everything changes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, friends.
> 
> So, I have only _marginal_ hope that BtS won't be a circus of pain for Chloe. In some behind-the-scenes interview for BtS, someone said the game's message would be something like "it's okay to not be okay". I actually kind of like this message, I just think this message can be communicated better without killing off everyone. 
> 
> This is some kind of vague AU. Max still left Arcadia, Chloe's dad still died, the setup is more-or-less all the same. The biggest differences will be in how I interpret the time before Max left and basically all of Rachel's character. I also have no intention of making this into a prequel that fits nicely into the main game. As such, it won't be happy per se, but will end a hell of a lot happier than BtS is bound by canon to.
> 
> As always, I appreciate comments, and will try to read/reply to every one of them.

The worst times were when Chloe was all alone.

When her mother was out of the house, working, and Chloe had nothing to do.

The school year had proven to be an amazing distraction, earlier.

Even when alone, she’d have _something, anything_ to do.

Even reading boring-ass text books was better than being alone.

Being truly alone.

Being so alone that not even bugs would want to disturb you.

But now, the school year was over.

It was summer.

And she was alone.

 

So she sat.

She sat on the floor at the foot of her bed.

She curled up her body so that her legs were pressed to her belly and chest, and tightly wrapped her arms around.

And she tried not to think too much.

But she’d always fail.

She’d always look up, eventually.

She’d always see the picture of her and her best friend.

All of those years ago.

She frowned.

She’d always remember that day.

And then she’d start to think.

 

\---

 

“Sweetie! Max is here to play!”

Chloe grinned effusively.

“Kickass.”

Even though she was in her room and her door was closed and her mother was on the side of the house and her mother had to _shout_ just to reach Chloe’s ears, Chloe still whispered it.

Such words were verboten, after all.

Chloe had been laying down, and kicked her feet up to give her some momentum to carry her off the bed.

She landed gracefully on her feet and shimmied around for a few moments to wake up her body.

Then, she was off like a bullet, quickly sprinting out of her room and sliding down the railing on the stairs to the lower floor.

She could hear her mother groan from within the living room,

“What did I tell you about sliding down the banister?”

Chloe was hardly paying attention.

“Not to do it!”

Her mother’s complaining was too slow, though.

Chloe opened the front door and immediately collided her best friend’s body.

Max.

Max hardly had the time to react, but it didn’t stop her from giggling helplessly as she was aggressively bear-hugged by her friend.

Still.

After a few seconds of the normalcy, Chloe sensed there was something amiss.

Max was fine.

But her parents, on either side of her, was a little unusual.

Max’s dad, a stern yet affectionate figure with a wicked huge beard, looked down to Chloe and cleared his throat.

“Hi, Chloe. Where’s your mom?”

Chloe looked up from her death grip on Max, and after agonizingly releasing her, looked back into the house.

“’unno. Living room I guess.”

Chloe could hear her mother gasp audibly even from within the house.

“Oh! I didn’t know ---“

Chloe heard some ruffling and saw her mother quickly make her way out of the living room and to the front door.

She was still in her work uniform.

“--- Oh dearie me. I thought it was just little ‘ol Max who’d come over. How rude of me. Come in, come in.”

Chloe’s mother smiled in such a warm way and genuine way that it was hard to not smile along with her.

Chloe felt Max’s parents gently worm their way past her and they followed Chloe’s mother into the living room.

Max gently shoved Chloe when they were pleasantly out of earshot.

“What!”

Chloe shook her head and turned around.

Max giggled again.

“You’re supposed to get out of the way when people want to come into your house.”

Chloe raised up her hands on either side of her body and scoffed.

“Screw norms. I’m like a parent scarecrow, dude.”

Max giggled again.

Quiet.

 

“Y’all play outside for a bit, okay? Don’t go too far.”

In hindsight, Chloe should have paid more attention to the unusually somber tone her mother had.

“Yeah-yeah.”

But she was staring at Max and just enjoying the fact her friend was near.

Nothing could trouble her right now.

Without even looking, she reached behind and closed the door into the house.

She then started down the steps leading away from their house and to the sidewalk.

Max followed close behind.

“Where we going?”

Chloe hummed thoughtfully.

“Where do you think?”

Max thought about it for a few seconds while they walked.

It could take her a few moments, here and there.

“Your backyard?”

Chloe shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“We’re going the wrong way for that, dude.”

“Oh.”

Quiet.

“The forest?”

Chloe opened her mouth to say something, but just held it open stupidly for a few seconds while they walked.

“The …”

She closed her mouth, huffed, and shook her head again.

“No, but, we should totally do that sometime soon too.”

Max whined.

Chloe could visualize her looking to the sky and closing her eyes like she always did when mildly frustrated.

But they were still walking, and Chloe was leading, so she didn’t look back.

“Then where?”

Chloe sighed.

“The junkyard, dude.”

Quiet.

“Your mom said we should stay close.”

Chloe looked back and frowned slightly.

“She says a lot of things. Come on dude, it’s been like a month since we’ve gone there.”

Max’s expression was flat but she was never particularly good at dealing with a pleading Chloe.

She gaped her mouth for a few seconds before closing it and looking off into the distance.

She rubbed at one her shoulders.

“Okay. I guess. But if we get caught …”

Chloe pumped one of her fists in excitement and snapped back around.

She moved forward diligently.

“Don’t worry about that. Nothing bad has ever happened there.”

 

It wasn’t a short walk to the junkyard.

It was kind of out-of-the way, and going there more-or-less dedicated their entire day to it.

But that was okay, because it was one of the few places they could go to truly be all alone, together.

It was one of the few places that neither of their parents knew about.

They could be and do anything out here, without fear of parental interruption or supervision.

 

When they completed the trek to the junkyard, Chloe gasped.

“Dude.”

Max hummed thoughtfully, and looked up from her shoes.

“Woah.”

Chloe breathed in.

“Yeah. ‘Woah’.”

For the most part, the junkyard was lined with decayed automobile hulls.

Some school buses, and trucks, but mostly boring sedans.

But, today, there was something special, almost smack-dab in the middle.

A huge ship carcass.

It seemed mostly intact, too.

Chloe’s mind immediately raced as to how to get onto the damn thing.

She looked around –

It was near the center –

But there was a hill leading up on one side of it –

But it wasn’t adjacent or anything –

There wasn’t like a path or something leading to it –

Maybe –

Chloe groaned and took off towards the hill.

“Chloe!”

Chloe ignored Max’s complaining.

She only stopped when she was at the top of the hill, and frowned.

There was at least a good eight-ten feet between the edge of the hill and the edge of the ship.

Way too long to reliably jump.

Max eventually caught up – even being the slowpoke that she was.

“What are you doing.”

Chloe just grunted flatly.

“Thinking.”

Max blinked.

“You are?”

Chloe narrowed her eyes and sputtered an amused scoff,

“Dude don’t ---“

Her eyes quickly darted to Max before going back to the boat,

“--- I wanna find a way onto this thing.”

Max looked around.

“I don’t think there’s a way.”

Chloe shrugged.

“We can make one.”

She crossed her arms, and looked around with Max.

It was mostly just scrap metal all around them.

And dirt.

Lots of dirt.

Chloe huffed and hooked her hands behind her head.

She looked to Max.

“Go look down there for something we can use to get onto this thing.”

Max looked to Chloe and blinked.

“What.”

Chloe pointed down, off of the hill, into the rest of the junkyard that wasn’t consumed by the boat,

“Down there. See if there’s like … a big ‘ol slab of wood or something. Maybe in the club house?”

Max frowned.

“And you’ll do what, again?”

Chloe grinned cheekily.

“Sit here and look pretty?”

Max didn’t look very amused.

Chloe just giggled and shook her head.

“I’m kidding. I’ll look around up here. Maybe there’s something underneath all of this scrap.”

Max continued to frown.

Chloe brought her hands together and smiled sweetly.

Max could tell that Chloe was trying to manipulate her now, and frowned even more earnestly.

But Chloe just made a whining sound and tried to look as pitiful as possible.

Eventually, Max just groaned and looked away.

“Okay, okay, I’m going, I’m going.”

Chloe waved as she took off.

“Killer. You’re the best, dude.”

 

Later in the day, they had found a way onto the ship.

There was a huge slab of wood indeed inside one of the few structures present in the junkyard.

It took the combined strength of both Max and Chloe to carry it.

And it didn’t feel particularly stable to walk on.

But life’s too short to not amble randomly onto discarded ship carcasses with your best friend.

 

The ship wasn’t actually all that interesting, if Chloe was being honest.

It was small and had just one structure on the deck.

That structure seemed just large enough to fit in the steering wheel and a few seats.

What could this thing even have been used for?

Still, it was something new.

And Chloe was more than happy to take the wheel and spin it around ineffectually.

It was a little while before,

“You look like a ship captain like that.”

Chloe’s eyes widened and she snapped her to Max.

“What? Say that again.”

Max blinked.

“I-um. I just said – you – you look like a ship captain. You know. In command of the ship, and all.”

Chloe giggled and closed her eyes and looked down to the floor.

She spun the wheel around again and sighed contently.

But when she looked up again, Max’s expression was kind of flat.

Maybe even bored.

Chloe looked to the wheel, and Max again, and back to the wheel, and back to Max again.

She hardly had to even think.

“I think you’d look better on it, though.”

She looked back to Max, and grinned oh-so-very-wide.

Max blinked.

“What. I don’t ---“

Chloe giggled and quickly jolted over to Max.

She gripped her by the shoulders – Max squeaked – and dragged her over to the steering wheel.

“Come on. Try it. Have some fun.”

Max looked helplessly to Chloe for a few seconds, and reluctantly took hold of the wheel.

She spun it all of the way around, like Chloe had done a few moments earlier.

And she giggled.

She was happy.

Chloe hopped up and down and patted at her own legs,

“Oh oh oh oh I know – I can ---“

She ran out of the little structure and to the front of the ship.

She dramatically placed her foot on the edge and raised her hand up to shield her eyes from the beams of an imaginary, yet still equally oppressive sun.

“I can guide the way!”

When she looked back, she realized she could only just barely see Max’s head poking through the steering wheel.

Well, all the more reason to have a navigator.

Suddenly, Chloe gasped.

“Quick! Turn starboard! I see a huge iceberg ahead!”

Quiet.

“Which way is ‘starboard’?”

Chloe groaned.

“I don’t know! Just pick a direction and go! Big scary iceberg! Coming for us!”

Max whined.

“Okay! Okay okayokay.”

Chloe could hear the wheel violently turning.

She turned around and cheered.

“Yeah! We showed that hunk of ice who’s boss.”

 

It was even later in the day when they were both back in the ship’s deck structure, but neither was commanding the ship.

They were sitting adjacent, resting against the back metal of the structure.

Just relaxing from the excitement.

They didn’t always need to be doing _things_ to enjoy their time.

Sometimes, it was enough for Chloe to just feel Max’s head on her shoulder.

And to feel the gentle swaying of her body as she breathed in and out.

Sometimes Chloe would look at Max, who had her eyes closed and all, and didn’t really know what to say, or what to do.

But she kinda wanted to hold her hand.

Or something.

\---

Chloe groaned viciously and shook her head.

If she was going to relive that day, it was best to just remember the first half of it.

She got up and slowly walked over to the opposite side of her room.

She turned on her hi-fi.

For a few, blissful seconds,

_I’m somewhere_

_You’re somewhere_

_I’m nowhere_

_You’re nowhere_

_You’re somewhere_

_You’re somewhere_

_I could go there_

_But I won’t_

But then Chloe just groaned.

“Who put on this hippy shit?”

She did, of course.

She was talking to herself, now, like normal people do.

But then she ejected that CD and blindly groped around for another on top of her system.

She needed something that felt less cosmically-guided to make her feel wistful.

Something with a fucking ---

_Tonight’s the night that we got the truck_

_We’re going down town, we’re gonna’ beat up drunks_

Something like that.

Chloe slyly laughed and shimmied her way back over to her bed.

She leaned over and groped around underneath it –

Score.

She pulled out a beer bottle.

It took her a few seconds to find something to open with it.

It wasn’t refreshing to drink.

But of course, that wasn’t the point.

The point was the slight elation that came with it.

The point was the way music _sounded_ better.

The point was she’d forget.

Halfway through the first bottle, she looked back over to her desk.

The last picture of her and her best friend was still there.

She frowned.

Several years old.

Yet it still haunted her.

She walked over to it and put it face down.

Max wouldn’t want to see her drinking.

If she even thought of Chloe, anymore.

 

Chloe decided she was going to actually go stir-crazy if she didn’t get out and do _something._

Her mother worked basically all day and slept all night, and Chloe had nothing but free time.

She decided she would get drunk and see some local music in terrible dive bars.

It was kind of risky, since she was still quite underage.

But not all shows had a bouncer checking for a cover charge.

And so long as she got fucked up at home, no one would be trying to ID her at the place.

It was a fool-proof plan.

Or, at least, it was a better plan than just staying home all-day long.

 

Chloe wouldn’t forget the first time she went to one of these shitty dives.

It was probably like midnight.

She shoved her hands deep into her pockets and quietly, nonchalantly made her way through the crowds outside.

Smoking, drinking, laughing.

Chloe was tall, which made her look a lot older than she actually was.

She didn’t look like she fit in particularly well _or_ particularly poorly.

Just kind of average.

No one really spared her glances as she made it through to the front door, and into the bar.

Her heart was pounding, though.

Even if it wasn’t perhaps technically illegal to just exist in a bar, this still felt wrong.

It still felt like she was breaking rules.

It was exciting.

It also helped that there was a wobble in her step.

An unnatural layer of intoxicated haze taking the edge off of everything.

Maybe more than just the edge.

Chloe walked away from the entrance and deeper into the bar.

She leaned against some wall near the back and looked around.

She didn’t see any place that a band could play.

There was hardly any space to even drink.

Chloe shied away from the bars and bartenders, just in case, and took a stool in one of the few tables the place had.

The ambiance was kind of nice.

A little loud, a little smoky, a little adult, a little happy.

Everyone here seemed to be having a good time.

 

The first band came in from seemingly nowhere – a side entrance probably – and set up shop right in front of Chloe’s table.

There _definitely_ wasn’t space for a band there.

That was just some corner.

Chloe watched with a mixture of amusement and shock as the band managed to squeeze in a drum kit and a guitar amplifier.

Plus a mic stand.

The first guy who started talk into the mic did so while tuning his guitar.

Chloe was either too drunk or this guy just didn’t know how to enunciate, since she made out not a single word.

But still, she watched.

“Hey there sweet cheeks, can I get you a drink?”

Chloe _knew_ this was directed at her and frowned compulsively. 

Some rando trying to hit on her.

Just wonderful.

“Nah. I’ve’gotta boyfrien’.”

It was technically a lie, since they broke up before summer started, but ---

“Oh yeah? It doesn’t seem like he’s here.”

Chloe groaned.

This guy was going to be annoyingly persistent.

She hesitated, for a few seconds.

There was this part of her that told her to be polite to this stranger, whom she still hadn’t even yet graced by looking at.

It was the same part of her that spoke as Max did, all of those years ago.

_Your mom said we shouldn’t go far._

Then.

There was this _other_ part of her.

This part of her was embolden by alcohol, and never quite cared for society’s expectations of her.

She turned around and looked him square in the eye.

_Fuck him._

“I’z being polite, dickweed. I’winn’t let ‘chu buy me a jrink if’yer’ the las’ man alive.”

This part of her was more _fun_.

The man’s expression changed from a grin to a sour frown.

He took a step closer.

“What did you say to me, you _bitch_ \---“

Chloe probably should have been intimidated, but he didn't look any taller than she did.

And she was kind of drunk.

He didn't get to finish, though.

One of his friends grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Don’t bother, dude. Let’s take an L and move on. She’s not worth it.”

The other man just grunted.

He kept his gaze on Chloe for a few seconds, then looked to his friend.

“Whatever.”

Chloe scoffed indignantly and looked forward again.

“I’m’nah worth it …”

Chloe sighed and placed her elbow on the table.

She rested her head on her hand there and resumed watching the band.

 

It didn’t take them much longer to set up.

The music was _loud_.

Chloe could feel every beat of the drum kit pulsating through her body.

She could feel every chord of the guitarist flow through her.

She couldn’t feel the incoherent warbles that were apparently supposed to be lyrics, but she tried anyway.

She could just close her eyes and forget about everything.

She could just live through the music.

And not feel anything at all.

Plus, the music was so loud, no dickweed was going to try and hit on her while they were playing.

Especially since she was _right_ in front of the drums and every hit of the kit’s symbols was _right_ there.

 

Chloe would never remember how she managed to fall asleep while there was fucking live drums being played right in front of her.

Maybe it happened during the intermission, while another band was setting up.

She could sleep like a rock, sometimes.

Regardless, she only woke up when someone shook her shoulder.

“I don’t want’chu to go… just stay …”

The person shook her shoulder more vigorously.

Chloe grumbled.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

Chloe coughed and slowly sat up.

She blinked her eyes and carefully pulled herself out of her dream.

Maybe it was more of a nightmare, these days.

Afterwards, she looked to who had woken her up, and rubbed at one of her own eyes.

“Ahhm. Yeah. I’m fine. I jus’ … drank too much, I think.”

The person who woke her up was a woman, and she smiled effusively.

Like her entire face could contain and radiate the warmth of the sun.

“You didn’t take any drinks any strangers offered you, did you?”

Chloe scoffed and slowly shook her head.

“No. I got fucked up at home.”

The woman nodded carefully.

“Smart. I guess.”

She looked around.

Chloe mimicked her.

The bar had mostly cleared out, by now.

The woman looked back to her.

“We’re ah. The last band that played. I just wanna’ put out some stuff – free toys and all.”

The woman nodded down to her hands – and Chloe just now realized she had a whole basket full of band swag.

Chloe then realized she probably meant to put them on the table she was sitting at, since, well, it _was_ kind of right in front of the band.

Chloe raised her hands and inched her stool back.

“Knock yourself out.”

Chloe didn’t know if she felt any _better_ after having passed out.

She felt more tired, to be certain.

She started rubbing at the front of her neck with her eyes closed and her face pointed to nowhere in particular.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Chloe sighed and lowered her hands.

She opened her eyes to look at the woman again.

“I’m fine.”

The woman pursed her lips.

“I could give you a ride home if ---“

Chloe shook her head.

“I can walk.”

The woman looked around.

“It’s like … 3am. You’re alone.”

Chloe nodded.

“I can throw a mean punch if someone tries anything.”

The woman laughed breezily.

“I’m not sure if attitude will help you much there, but it’s certainly a good start.”

She then breathed in and closed her eyes.

Quiet.

“Well, I can tell when I’m being told to buzz off. Take some band junk, yeah? It’s free.”

With that, she smiled and waved politely, and went back to helping disassemble the band’s equipment.

Chloe didn’t know what to make of that woman.

Who offers a stranger a ride home?

But, still.

She looked at the basket full of crap.

She picked up one of the buttons, flipped it around, felt it with her fingers.

A cutesy pastel pink background with stylized, randomly-colored puffy letters – “Amber Alert!”

It was pretty gaudy.

Put kinda punk, too.

Chloe breathed in deep, put the button in her jeans, and decided now was a good time to leave.

 

Another time, another place.

Another bar.

Chloe had decided she wouldn’t go to bars and drink _every_ night.

She wanted change and she wanted distractions, but that didn’t seem like the right path.

So this was more like an experiment.

The second time she was at some awful dive bar, she was less drunk.

Her survival instinct got the better of her, and insisted she not be so drunk so as to pass out again whenever given the slightest opportunity to.

Bad things tended to happen to young women when they did that.

Still.

The more things that were different about this other bar, the more things that were the same.

The bathroom had the same impossibly-cramped aesthetic to it, being some little hallway hidden behind one of the bars.

The level of conversation was about the same, and at the same volume.

Chloe felt less anxiety making her way through the crowds this time.

It was more comfortable to lean up against some wall and look on to the people around her.

It was less surprising when the first band set up in yet another tiny corner.

There was a certain pattern to how this night was going to play out.

It was comforting, in a way.

This was Chloe doing things.

This was her distracting herself.

This was her not thinking.

And it was nice.

She closed her eyes and just breathed in contently.

But she felt a presence nearby not too much later, and opened her eyes.

She crossed her arms.

The same ---

What.

Chloe blinked, as though disbelieving, and blinked again.

The same woman from probably a week ago now was hauling equipment past Chloe to where the band was setting up.

Chloe noticed her first.

But the woman noticed her when she turned around and started to walk away, probably to get more equipment.

Chloe could watch her face immediately shift from slightly troubled to impossibly bright.

“Oh shit, hey. You.”

Chloe shrugged.

“Me.”

The woman took a few steps closer and put her hands on her own waist.

Her smile was so wide.

“A bar fly?”

Chloe shrugged again.

“I like local music.”

The woman laughed easily and shook her head.

“That makes two of us.”

But she then just closed her eyes and breathed in.

“Anyway. Nice seeing you ---“

“--- Do you need help?”

Chloe’s question came impulsively and thoughtlessly.

So impulsively that it caught them both off guard.

Where the hell did that come from?

Chloe wasn’t even sure herself.

The woman blinked a few times and looked around.

It still took her a few seconds further to fully process the question

“I mean, if you want to haul crap around for free. Can’t pay you nothing.”

Chloe shrugged again.

Another distraction.

This wall was getting kind of same-y, anyway.

“I just wanna do something. Bored.”

The woman laughed breezily.

She took a few steps closer and placed a hand on Chloe’s shoulder.

Still, she smiled.

“Rad. C’mon. I’ll show you where the stuff is.”

 

Chloe helped bring in the band’s equipment.

She almost hit some of the drum kit’s symbols on the bar’s walls at least a few times.

Thankfully, almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Chloe watched the band after she helped them set up.

The woman played bass, but through a guitar amp.

It was only her and a drummer.

Some scraggly, nearly-homeless-looking guy.

But he had a pulse and could keep a beat.

And it seemed like his ability to keep a beat was consistent no matter how many beers he drank.

Their music was unpolished and a little sloppy, but fast and energetic.

Chloe was perfectly content to just groove along while they played.

 

Their setlist didn’t last forever, though.

Soon, they stopped playing.

Chloe helped them take their stuff down and put it back into the van from whence it came.

 

Afterwards, Chloe and the woman sat on the edge of the back of the van.

The van had two doors on its back that swung away from one another for easy access to the rear space.

The drummer leaned against one such of the doors.

Maybe Chloe should have been uncomfortable around these strangers, half way into their car and all.

Maybe what beer she had in her system was paralyzing that part of her out.

Or maybe it was just the way the woman smiled.

Either way, Chloe rested easily.

The woman spoke first.

“Hey like, I don’t think I got your name, somehow.”

Chloe hummed flatly.

She looked to the woman.

“I’m Chloe.”

The woman made an approving sound and nodded.

“Killer. I’m Rachel, and this is Frank.”

Rachel gestured towards the drummer, who had all but fallen asleep while standing up, and barely offered Chloe a wave in response to hearing himself being introduced.

Rachel sighed.

“Thanks for the help.”

Chloe just shrugged.

“Better than just leaning on some wall.”

Rachel smiled at this, and nodded.

“Yeah sure totally.”

Rachel then looked back into the van and leaned to the side to reach deep into it.

She pulled out a beer bottle, and offered it to Chloe.

Chloe kept her hands on the floor of the van, but examined it.

Rachel made a slightly irritated noise.

“C’mon, take it. I’m going to feel bad if I don’t give you something in return.”

Chloe looked back up to Rachel.

“I really shouldn’t. I should be home sometime soon.”

It was a lie, but the kind of lie Chloe could comfortably tell all day.

The drummer, Frank, warbled something incoherent.

Rachel just rolled her eyes, and reached back into the van to find a bottle opener.

She opened the bottle and killed half of it in one gulp, then placed it right on one of Chloe’s hands.

“There. Nothin’ bad in it.”

Chloe blinked, unsure if her delivery wasn’t quite right somehow, or if Rachel was just familiar with this kind of lie.

Maybe she’d used it once or twice herself.

Still… Free beer.

Chloe took the bottle off her hand and finished it off.

Rachel was back to smiling warmly.

“There’s a good girl.”

Rachel relaxed her posture by leaning more against the side of the van.

Chloe imitated it thoughtlessly.

“So what are you doing around these parts?”

Chloe blinked.

“I live here.”

Rachel pursed her lips and crossed her arms.

“In this tiny town? Is there even anything to do around here?”

Chloe laughed.

Rachel didn’t laugh with her.

Chloe then just sighed, and slumped a bit more against the side of the van.

“I guess not. Some art school. Fishermen. A beach.”

Rachel sighed dreamily.

“Have you ever been anywhere else? Like California?”

Chloe just shrugged again.

“No. No, I ---“

She raised a hand up, but then frowned and thought better of what she was about to say.

“No.”

Rachel hummed thoughtfully.

She leaned forward a bit.

Chloe looked away, to random things in the parking lot.

“We’re touring. Seeing the best coast for all it has to offer.”

The thought made Chloe exhale, amused.

She didn’t look back, though.

“And yet you stopped in this little shithole…”

Rachel giggled, quietly.

“Sometimes we like to take a break, of sorts, and just crash in some small town where it’s cheap to stay.”

Chloe hummed flatly.

She then suddenly had a weird thought, and sat up straight.

She looked to Rachel.

“Are you two going to Seattle anytime soon?”

Frank groan-moan-warbled something.

Rachel looked to him with a slight frown before back to Chloe.

“Maybe eventually. In like a few months. Why?”

Chloe pursed her lips.

She got out of the van and shoved her hands into her pockets.

“Nothing. No reason.”

When she turned around, Rachel’s face was obviously disbelieving.

Chloe didn’t give her the time to press the issue.

“Anyway, I should be heading home.”

Rachel just smiled pleasantly and got out of the back of the van as well.

“Let me give you a ride h ---“

“--- **_No_**. You don’t drink and drive --- like that’s so _fucked_ \--- and-and-and --- why would _anyone_ \---”

Chloe’s response was so automatic, so pained, so _angry_ , it stirred all three of them.

Rachel’s expression died as though someone had shot it.

She was horrified.

Even Frank seemed to sober up and looked up from his daze to eyeball Chloe.

Chloe wore their mixed stares easily.

She just sighed, took her hands out of her pockets, tossed her hands up uselessly, and turned around.

“Sorry, just. No. I’ll walk. Alone.”

Rachel quietly walked over and placed a hand on Chloe’s shoulder, but she shrugged it off.

Rachel sighed wearily and stepped back over to the van.

Her voice was quiet.

“Okay. See you around? We’re doing shows every Friday.”

Chloe nodded.

“Yeah. Sure.”

 

The worst times were when Chloe was all alone.

Sometimes, it was all her fault.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel is annoyed.
> 
> But she forgives.
> 
> Chloe sits on some ship.
> 
> And she dreams.
> 
> Frank buys some weed.
> 
> And he shares.
> 
> Chloe smokes some for the first time.
> 
> And she cries.

Pizza was good.

Rachel cheerfully finished off the last of her slice’s crust.

She’d been laying in the back of the van she shared with Frank, although close to the seats.

“Hit me.”

Frank grunted.

“You wanna slice, you’re tellin’ me somethin’ first.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and got up onto her knees.

She leaned forward through the gap between the two front seats and rested on the center console, peering dopily at Frank.

“You’re going to hold pizza hostage, dude? How uncool.”

Frank looked to her sidelong.

He closed the pizza box and scoffed.

“Yeah. ‘Dude’. I am doing that. ‘s’my fuckin’ pizza.”

Rachel made a disapproving hum and pulled herself through the gap into the passenger seat.

“Fine. What’s up your butt today.”

Frank crossed his arms, and grunted.

“What’s ‘s deal with you and that girly?”

Rachel tilted her head to one side and wore her confusion openly.

“What?”

Frank just continued to peer at her.

“Girly. You know. The one you keep seeing at bars.”

Rachel rolled her eyes again, crossed her own arms, and looked out the passenger side window.

“There’s a lot of women I see at bars, Frank. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

Frank grunted.

“The unstable one that about punched you when you touched her.”

Rachel’s brow furrowed in concentration.

She looked back to him.

“Chloe?”

Frank made an approving sound.

“Yeah, that sounds right. Chloe. You’ve been givin’ ‘er googly eyes.”

Rachel shook her head.

“You were so drunk you could hardly stand up, Frank. I don’t think we can count on your recollection of events.”

Frank shrugged and looked forward.

“I ain’t hearin’ a ‘no’.”

Rachel groaned in exasperation.

“Dude just like --- “

She frowned, and looked forward, too.

“--- I’m allowed to talk to strangers.”

Frank chuckled deeply and slowly.

“Fuckin’ dyke making a friend with a woman. Ain’t that cute.”

Rachel’s frown became more intense at this.

“I’ve told you a thousand times Frank – I’m _not_ \---“

Frank put his hands up in surrender and looked down at the pizza box in his lap.

“--- Right, right right. Of course. No lesbian. Just a …”

He looked to her, put his hands down, and gained a massive shit-eating grin.

“… very woman-focused bi girl. Yeah.”

Rachel shoved him at the shoulder with one hand, and he grunted.

“Name one guy you’ve made out with at our shows.”

Rachel groaned in exasperation again and crossed her arms, refusing to look at him.

“I’m done with this conversation.”

Frank took another piece of pizza out of his box and started to eat.

With some food still in his mouth,

“’Cuz you know I’m right.”

Rachel shook her head and slinked back between the gap back into the back of the van.

“I don’t even know why I put up with you, sometimes.”

Frank grunted.

After a short pause, he held a slice of pizza above the van’s center console, in the gap.

“’Cuz I give you free shit.”

Rachel took the slice of pizza, even if it was totally proving his point.

Since it was pizza, goddamn it.

 

After she finished this slice, Frank grumbled again.

“Ye’ain’t mad at me, are you?”

Rachel sighed wearily.

“No.”

She sat up again and brough her knees to her chest, leaning against the side of the van.

He looked back.

“Good.”

There was this brief moment where Rachel thought, just maybe, he was communicating that he was happy she wasn’t upset at him because it would mean he wasn’t being a very good friend.

It was brief, though.

“’Cuz I got a meeting with some plug and I want someone with me ‘case it goes sideways.”

Rachel rolled her eyes.

She maneuvered to the passenger side seat again.

“In a town this small? What are the odds he’s not a cop?”

Frank scoffed.

He put the pizza box in Rachel’s lap.

Rachel squealed with excitement.

He flinched, but put the van into gear and started to back up.

“It’s some high school kid. Don’t think we have to worry about that.”

 

When they parked outside of a junkyard, Rachel frowned.

“Frank.”

The pizza box was long dead and discarded somewhere on the floor of the van by now.

“Relax.”

Frank opened his door and got out of the van.

With another weary sigh, Rachel opened her own door and stepped out of the van.

“Frank.”

Frank casually walked to the front of the van and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I _know_. Kid didn’t want to meet anywhere else.”

Rachel frowned.

But she walked up to him all the same and crossed her arms.

“This place isn’t even close to anything. It’s a terrible spot.”

It was Frank’s turn to roll his eyes.

“And you were being paranoid he was a cop five seconds ago.”

Rachel sighed again and shook her head.

“Fine. I want a cut of whatever you’re buying, though.”

Frank scoffed.

“When do you not.”

Rachel smiled pleasantly as he started walking away from the van.

She followed behind him, but kept her arms crossed.

 

When they entered the junkyard properly, they both stopped.

Surprised.

“That’s not … ?”

Frank blinked a few times, but shook his head.

“No. ‘least I don’t think so.”

Rachel looked side long to him, then back to what they had both been gawking at.

 

A large hunk of decaying ship.

With a certain Chloe just sitting on the edge of it, looking down.

“Chloe …?”

Frank grunted.

“Her lights are on. Don’t think anyone’s home.”

\---

Chloe woke up with a gasp.

She looked at her surroundings.

She was inside the ship’s cabin, with Max tucked delicately into her side.

Also sleeping.

But then Chloe groaned.

The sun’s rays were attacking her quite directly, and she compulsively raised a hand up to shield her eyes.

It took a few seconds for her brain to tick over and come to the realization that this meant it was late afternoon.

She should have been … worried, or something.

Her mother only wanted her gone for a little while, after all.

But none of that stuff really bothered her when Max was around.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Chloe’s movements and grumblings woke Max up, who stirred and sat up right.

She did the same process of looking around, but smiled sweetly when she saw Chloe.

She then just stretched and yawned.

Chloe yawned, too, without realizing it.

“Afternoon, sunshine.”

Max giggled quietly, and raised one of her own hands to shield her from the sun’s rays.

“Sunshine is right. What time is it?”

Chloe just shrugged.

“’unno. Who cares.”

Max sighed and used her free hand to check her phone.

“My parents do.”

Chloe just shrugged again.

“What’s the worst they can do?”

Max looked up from her phone.

The expression on her was immediately etched into Chloe’s memory.

Max sitting on her knees, phone raised to her belly, one hand shy of the side of her face to keep her eyes clear of the sun.

And an expression of tremendous agony.

Chloe blinked, and sat up right.

“What?”

Max just frowned, though, and looked back down to her phone.

“I … nothing.”

She put her phone away and sighed.

This, too, was a scene hard to forget.

Max looked as though someone had sucked the very will to live out of her.

Slumped over, weight visible on her shoulders, her free hand lazily draped on one of her legs.

Chloe scooted closer and leaned forward so she could place a hand on one of Max’s shoulders.

Max’s body seized up to the touch at first, but she looked up.

She lowered the hand that was guarding her eyes from the sun, and just looked at Chloe.

For a few wonderful, blissful moments, they just sat in silence.

For a few wonderful, blissful moments, Max smiled gently.

For a few wonderful, blissful moments, their breathing was in sync.

For a few wonderful, blissful moments, not even the aggravating sun could annoy Chloe.

Eventually, Chloe spoke first.

Her voice was different, now, though.

It was low, and impossibly soft.

“You’re okay, right?”

Max looked away, and nodded after a moment of hesitation.

She then wormed her shoulder free of Chloe’s grasp and stood up.

“Yeah-um-I’m. Yeah.”

Chloe’s hand just kind of floated awkwardly, but she eventually stood up with Max.

Max’s body posture was still all wrong.

She was hugging into herself – which wasn’t all that new – but also trying to shrink down, and look away.

Anywhere but to Chloe.

That wouldn’t do.

Chloe hatched a devious plan, and tightly wrapped her arms around Max’s waist.

She squeaked.

Chloe used the fact she was older and taller and stronger and better to lift Max up and tightly compress her.

Max squirmed, but eventually, started to giggle.

Chloe managed to swing both of them around a full 360 before her older, taller, strong, better body had nothing left to give in this pursuit and she let Max down.

After being put down, Max sighed contently and turned around.

This was better.

She wasn’t hugging at herself or trying to shrink down, anymore.

She looked up to Chloe.

Chloe looked down to her.

They smiled together.

Chloe wanted to do _something_ in this silence, but wasn’t quite sure what, exactly.

She just let the moment drag on.

Eventually, it became uncomfortable for Max, and she looked down to the floor.

“I …”

Max looked up.

“I …”

She frowned.

“I …”

She looked away, then back to Chloe.

Chloe pursed her lips.

“What? You can tell me anything, dude.”

It was kind of starting to worry her, now.

Max sighed again, and slumped.

“I didn’t want to ruin today. I don’t want to worry you, either, though …”

Max looked up.

“My parents want to move.”

\---

“I don’t _give a shit_ what your parents want to ---“

Chloe suddenly realized she was not where she was before, and stopped dead.

Well, she was close to the where, at least.

Just not the when.

Someone’s hand was on her shoulder, violently ripping her out of this daydream.

Chloe looked up and up to whoever had caused this disturbance with a frown.

Rachel.

Rachel backed off with her hands raised in surrender.

Chloe’s biting, accusative tone probably indicated how much of a trespass this felt like.

Even if it wasn’t directed at her, really.

Frank was there too, beside her, with his arms crossed.

He raised an eyebrow at her reaction.

Chloe looked back forward.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t curious as to why these two, of all people, had suddenly appeared in her junkyard.

But she kind of just wanted to be alone, right now.

Still, the silence had gone on for long enough.

The miles of worry painted on Rachel’s face was enough to get Chloe to at least talk.

“What are you two doing here?”

Chloe didn’t look to them, though.

Just out into the junkyard.

Into nothing.

“We’re just admiring the scenery.”

Frank’s voice.

Chloe scoffed.

She slowly got up, brushed herself off, cracked her neck, and turned around.

Rachel looked more at ease, now.

Frank still had his eyebrow raised.

“You’re here to buy drugs.”

Rachel smiled pleasantly.

Frank grunted.

“How did you know?”

Frank elbowed Rachel for giving it up.

Rachel inelegantly rubbed at the arm he’d elbowed.

Chloe raised her hands on either side of her body.

“It’s all people do around here these days. Not a lot of jobs around here since the depression. People just get high and hang out somewhere there won’t be any cops to pass the time.”

Frank crossed his arms.

Rachel’s mouth gaped stupidly for a few seconds.

“That’s so awful.”

Chloe shook her head.

“Don’t --- we don’t need your sympathy. You’ll be gone in a few days, anyway.”

Rachel frowned at this.

Frank grinned, though.

“Half my age and as world-weary. I like it. You know where our pick-up spot would be?”

Chloe numbly looked away from the two, down into the junkyard proper, again.

She wasn’t looking at nothing, this time, though.

“Yeah.”

Chloe put her hands in her jacket and walked past the two.

 

When Chloe was out of earshot, Rachel shoved Frank in the arm, who just grunted.

“What.”

Rachel glared.

“Don’t encourage the bad things out of her.”

Frank just scoffed, and started to walk after Chloe.

“You can’t just fix people, princess. Especially when you’re too chicken-shit to make a move on them.”

Rachel sighed wearily, and after rubbing at her temples in exasperation, followed after Frank.

They walked just far enough behind Chloe to have their conversation privately.

“That’s not why I keep talking to her.”

Frank looked back, and frowned.

“What? Are you going to tell me you don’t want to fix her now?”

Rachel shook her head.

“’Fix’ isn’t the right word. You can help people just by being there.”

Frank hummed flatly.

He still frowned, but this answer seemed to better placate, and looked back forward, again.

He probably realized Rachel was doing something similar with him.

“Just fuck her and dump her already. She’s not worth the effort.”

Rachel frowned.

“And you are?”

Frank grunted, again.

“No.”

Rachel opened her mouth, but.

Nothing really came out.

She put her hands in her pockets and followed Frank closely.

It wasn’t that she was doubting her life decisions, but.

She thought about what would happen if things in her life had played out differently.

 

Soon, the three of them stopped outside of a structure on the far end of the junkyard.

It was near some train tracks, and small.

“This is the club house.”

Chloe spoke flatly, distantly.

“Your dealer’s either in there or behind it.”

Frank just nodded and walked into the club house.

Rachel hesitated in following after him.

She looked to Chloe.

“Thanks for the help.”

Chloe just shrugged and leaned against the wall to the club house.

She crossed her arms and looked expectantly at Rachel.

“Aren’t you going with your friend?”

It was Rachel’s turn to shrug.

“He’s a big boy. I think he can handle himself.”

Chloe raised an eyebrow at this, but looked away, into the junkyard, again.

“’Kay.”

Rachel sighed and took a few steps closer.

She crossed her arms and leaned on the side of the wall, too.

Only she was facing Chloe, and Chloe’s back was to the wall.

“So you just come out here and stare at nothing?”

Chloe nodded, slowly.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Rachel frowned.

“You just sit and stare? You don’t draw, or take pictures, or skate, or … ?”

Chloe raised an eyebrow and looked sidelong to Rachel.

“Sometimes I take pictures. Not much lately, though.”

Rachel smiled again.

“Do you play any instruments?”

Chloe scoffed.

“I can hardly afford beer. You think I can afford that shit?”

Rachel giggled.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way.”

Chloe pursed her lips and looked at Rachel dead-on for a few, thoughtful seconds.

She looked back out to the junkyard.

“Well. I don’t have a will, I guess. My best friend plays --- she ---“

Chloe sighed and shook her head,

“My best friend used to play guitar. It was nice to sit and watch sometimes.”

Rachel nodded.

“I could teach you a little bit. You could surprise her the next time you see her with a jam sesh.”

Chloe frowned and looked back to Rachel.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

Rachel closed her eyes and shrugged.

“Is no one else nice to you? Can’t I just be friendly?”

Chloe was quiet for a while after that.

Rachel opened her eyes again to just see Chloe staring at her, thoughtfully.

She bit her lip when Rachel looked up, and looked away.

“Like your friend says. I’m not worth it.”

Rachel’s eyes widened –

How much of that conversation did she hear –

Oh lord did she hear Frank talking about having sex with her –

The door behind her opened, and Frank walked out.

He placed a hand on Rachel’s shoulder.

She wormed it off, sighed, and turned around to face him.

He gave her a small plastic bag.

“Thanks for all of the help in there. I don’t think I would have been able to negotiate such a good deal without you backing me up.”

Chloe giggled softly.

It might have been the first real burst of emotion Rachel saw out of her all day.

Still, Rachel just smiled pleasantly, and took the bag.

“Thanks for taking me to a creepy junkyard full of drug dealers and stoners. I feel so much safer knowing my friendship amounts to a wing-woman when you need it and nothing else.”

Frank and Rachel locked eyes for a few seconds.

Frank looked past her, to Chloe, then back to Rachel.

Seeing that Chloe wasn’t looking this way, he made a kissy face for a few seconds, and nodded at Chloe.

Rachel frowned, and shook her head.

Frank pointed at Rachel’s plastic bag, and nodded at Chloe again.

Rachel looked down to it, and hesitated.

“I’m going back to the van. Meet me there when you’re ready to go.”

Frank hid his bag in his jacket, put his hands in his jeans, and walked away.

The wrong way, at first, but he eventually got the right way.

Chloe spoke, first.

“Interesting friendship you got there.”

Rachel smiled warmly and turned back around to face her.

“Yeah? Frank’s an ass, but …”

She sighed and shook her head,

“A kind of lovable one. We beat up on each other all of the time, but there isn’t anyone else I’d want to across the country with.”

Chloe raised an eyebrow.

“Cali’s like 80% of the west coast. Hardly cross country.”

Rachel giggled and shook her head again.

“Oh shush, you know what I mean.”

Chloe smiled, barely.

Rachel rested contently against the wall, again.

“Anyway, I’m going to take off with Frank now.”

She looked down and raised her baggy up.

“You come with and have some? I promise it’ll be better than sitting and staring at nothing.”

Chloe looked to her, then down to plastic bag, and back up to her.

She hesitated, for a few seconds.

“I’m not making out with you.”

Rachel groaned and raised a hand to rub at her temples,

“ _Chloe_ , Frank’s just – He’s – That’s _not_ what I’m after.”

Chloe frowned.

Her eyes flicked up and down from the baggy to her face.

“Then what is it?”

Rachel sighed, and went quiet for a few seconds.

“Things don’t always need to have reasons. I don’t have any ulterior motives. You’re just cool, and I just know that I’m going to enjoy my time better if there’s more people around, and I have a feeling you’ll have a better time, too.”

Chloe stilled, absorbing Rachel’s words.

She was quiet for a few seconds.

Then for a few more seconds.

Then for a minute.

And then another.

 

Rachel took the hint, sighed, and pushed off from the wall.

She started to walk away.

Chloe caught up to her, though.

“Hey, wait, like …”

Rachel looked back, but kept on walking.

“Yeah?”

Chloe sighed.

“I don’t … “

She grunted.

“Fuck it. No one is nice to me without wanting to have sex with me. And your friend was all like ---“

Rachel shook her head.

Chloe went quiet.

“Frank is a straight guy asshole who can’t comprehend platonic relationships with women. The only way he manages it with me is by convincing himself I’m a lesbian.”

Chloe blinked.

“So, you’re not ah --- uh ---“

Rachel huffed, and looked forward.

“No. I’m bi. I’ve known that since a little while ago.”

Chloe was quiet for a few moments past that.

“How did you find out?”

Rachel smiled sweetly.

“I kissed a girl and I liked it~”

She sung it pleasantly.

They both giggled afterwards.

 

There was a few moments of quiet, then,

“Seriously?”

Rachel looked back to Chloe, again.

“You’re awful curious all of the sudden.”

Chloe opened her mouth, but no words came out, and she just kind of gawked, uselessly.

Rachel giggled and looked forward.

“It happened on tour. I think around San Fran. If you really want to know, I can tell you the story later.”

Rachel raised the baggy up over her shoulder,

“After we get fucked up.”

Chloe sighed pleasantly.

Rachel could tell she was walking a bit closer, now.

“Soooooo … So long as I’m being honest. What’s it like being high?”

Rachel blinked a few times, grinned, and giggled deviously.

She stopped and turned around fully.

“Shut up. You haven’t been high?”

Chloe’s mouth did that thing where it was opening but no words were coming out.

“Oh my _god_. That’s so cute!”

Chloe remained frozen as Rachel closed the distance between the two.

Rachel placed the plastic bag in one of Chloe’s hands.

“Here. Open it. Give smelling it the ‘ol college try.”

Chloe finally regained the presence of mind to close her gob and looked down to the baggy.

Carefully, she opened it, raised it up to her face, and sniffed.

Her face twisted and she cycled through a few expressions as the smell hit her and her brain had the time to process it.

“Smells like … oregano, or something.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and took the baggy, sealing it back up.

Still, she was giggling as she turned around and started walking back to the van.

“It’s a plant, genius.”

Rachel then breathed in sharply to try and calm her excitement down.

“Anyway. It’s nice. It’s kind of like being drunk. Things matter a bit less. You’re easier to amuse. Things taste better.”

Chloe eventually caught up.

“How’s it different from being drunk?”

Rachel looked back.

“Way less awful for your body, for one. It’s less calories but you end up eating more so that kind of balances itself out. But your liver is way better off, for example.”

She looked back forward, and Chloe frowned, slightly.

“I’m not hearing any downsides.”

Rachel giggled.

“Because there isn’t any.”

Chloe huffed.

“There has to be _something._ ”

Rachel sighed.

Her tone was inexplicably more serious and somber.

“Not really. It’s just really good at stopping you from overthinking your life. You still think, but it’s about dumb shit, like… how come your hands can touch everything but themselves?”

Chloe went quiet.

When Rachel looked to Chloe again, she saw her trying to touch the bottom of her palm, and couldn’t help but giggle again.

 

But Chloe suddenly fully processed all what Rachel said, and she looked up with a slight frown.

She put her hands back into her jeans.

“What do you have to stop overthinking about anyway, Cali girl?”

Rachel looked forward again and hummed.

“Things.”

Chloe blinked.

“Things.”

Rachel nodded.

“There’s stuff, too. Things and stuff.”

Rachel’s tone was inappropriately chipper.

But, maybe it was better to be inappropriately chipper.

“You don’t want to tell me?”

Rachel scoffed.

“No. No more than you want to tell me why you almost punched me after I suggested driving after half a beer or why you always wake up from a dream warbling about someone staying.”

Chloe opened her mouth, but.

Rachel kind of had a point.

She felt too awkward to press the issue the rest of the way to the van.

 

Chole piled in the back with Rachel.

They sat opposite each other, leaning against other sides of the van’s walls.

Frank only drove them a short while, closer to some forest, where they’d be even more isolated.

 

When they parked, Rachel fumbled with some equipment strewn variously along the back of the van, until she produced a pipe.

She raised it up to show to Chloe, then ambled to the front of the van, to the passenger seat.

“You don’t know to work a pot pipe, do you?”

Chloe thumped her head against the van’s wall.

“What do you think, dude?”

Frank groaned quietly.

Rachel just giggled.

“It’s okay. I’ll show you. We’re just setting up now.”

After a minute or two, Rachel carefully made her way back and sat down on her knees in front of Chloe.

She offered the pipe.

Chloe leaned in closer.

“Here – you –“

Rachel frowned and used her free hand to grasp Chloe’s.

She brought it up to the pipe.

“You cover this hole here – “

Rachel maneuvered one of Chloe’s fingers into covering a tiny hole Chloe didn’t even see,

“Then like, um …”

Rachel frowned, again, and removed her hand from Chloe’s own to fuss with her jeans until she found a lighter.

“Here we go. Get ready to suck.”

Frank snickered deviously from the front of the van.

Rachel shot the back of his seat a glare before lighting the little bowl in the pipe Chloe was holding with her lighter.

“Ok, keep your finger on the carb – oh, that little hole – and breathe in slowly …”

 

Perhaps Chloe shouldn’t have been surprised, but there wasn’t any kind of deep mystery here.

She coughed a bit too much every time she took a hit, but it’d always just make Rachel giggle.

So maybe it wasn’t so much of a bad thing.

Chloe couldn’t tell when she was ‘high’, but at some point, Rachel just looked at her, frowned, and refused to let her to take any more hits.

So that must have been when.

When drunk, Chloe would notice herself slurring and getting dizzy easy.

There wasn’t really anything like that so obvious here.

She pondered on this for a few moments longer.

 

Rachel inexplicably produced a guitar.

Chloe blinked.

“I thought you played bass.”

Rachel smiled sweetly.

“I play both. I’m just not very good with guitar.”

Chloe hummed and closed her eyes.

“Can’t be that bad …”

She rested her head back against the back of the van.

She just listened to Rachel playing guitar.

 

Rachel’s description of the effects of weed wasn’t wrong.

Chloe didn’t think about Max.

It was almost like when she was drunk.

She could just sit here and think about anything else.

She could hear the particulars of the way Rachel was playing.

The little mistakes she’d make here and there.

The quiet little curses she afforded herself when some notes sounded wrong or off-color.

It was … nice.

Chloe hadn’t felt so relaxed in a long time.

 

Some time later – Chloe wasn’t sure how much longer – she heard some familiar notes being played.

Was she hallucinating?

She looked forward, opened her eyes, and saw Rachel diligently focused on her guitar and where her fingers were on the fretboard.

Eventually, Rachel got the hang of it, after some practice, and closed her own eyes.

Chloe couldn’t help herself.

“I’m somewhere. You’re somewhere.”

Rachel blinked a few times and looked to Chloe.

They sang together.

“I’m nowhere. You’re nowhere.”

Chloe breathed in and slouched back against the van’s wall.

“You’re somewhere, you’re somewhere.”

She closed her eyes and sniffled.

“I could go there, but I don’t.”

Rachel stopped when she heard Chloe quietly crying.

“Hey, um, are you okay? Weed can have weird effects on people sometimes.”

Chloe opened her eyes and blinked a few times until her world was less blurry.

Her voice was low and quiet, a bit fragile on the edges.

“No, it’s … it’s not the weed. This was my best friend’s favorite song.”

Rachel frowned, and settled down on her knees in front of Chloe.

“Was?”

Chloe looked away, still slumped inelegantly.

“Yeah. ‘Was’. She packed up and left me when I need her most a few years ago.”

Rachel sighed.

“Oh. Oh no.”

She looked around, chiefly to Frank, before back to Chloe.

“You want to get some fresh air and talk about it?”

Chloe looked back to Rachel.

She thought about it for a few seconds.

Chloe still wasn’t sure why Rachel was being so nice to her.

But maybe, somehow, it was like with Max.

Max never needed a reason to be around Chloe.

Maybe that’s just what having actual friends felt like.

Maybe it would feel nice to talk with someone about all of this.

Or maybe it was all just the weed.

Either way, after another moment or so of hesitation, Chloe carefully got up onto her knees, and nodded.

“Yeah. Okay. Sure.”

They got out of the van, and walked into the forest.

Not too far.

But far enough.

Frank stayed behind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe and Rachel have a talk.
> 
> Rachel kisses someone.
> 
> Frank wakes up entirely too early in the morning.

“So.”

The soft crunching of leaves under their feet stopped.

Rachel stopped walking, crossed her arms, and leaned against a tree.

Chloe took a few more steps before realizing Rachel had stopped, and just turned around in place.

She put her hands into her jacket’s pockets.

“So.”

Rachel bit at her bottom lip for a few seconds.

“Would it make you feel any better to talk about Max?”

Chloe shrugged.

“Dunno. Never tried it.”

Rachel hummed thoughtfully and nodded.

“Well. Start with the basics. What’s she look like?”

Chloe exhaled softly, and closed her eyes.

Her head tilted down to the floor.

She spoke with a certain softness that Rachel hadn’t heard before.

“Biggest dork you’ve ever seen. Her mouth is gaping like a big dumb idiot half of the time, like she’s about to say something, but never does. She’s got this …”

Chloe pulled one of her hands out from her jacket to pat at her own head, though still didn’t open her eyes.

“Big mop of barely-contained brown hair. I don’t think she knows what a comb is.”

Chloe put her hand back in her jacket.

“She was shorter than me. Dunno if puberty hit her like a pillow or a truck but she had the same height disadvantage you had.”

Nothing else really sprang to mind, so Chloe went quiet.

“Was she cute?”

Chloe blinked her eyes open and frowned.

She looked up to Rachel, who upon seeing the disapproving look, just surrendered her hands up again.

“What, don’t look at me like that. I don’t know how straight girl brains work. I figured you’d be at least able to tell if she was cute or not.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, closed them, and looked back down again.

“I guess. She has these ridiculous blue eyes. And a lot of freckles. Dunno how you get freckles, brown hair, and blue eyes all at once, some weird-ass genetics or something, but. Yeah. If you don’t mind sloppy-dressing dorks with blue eyes and freckles, I guess she was cute.”

Chloe hummed flatly, suddenly, and took a few steps closer.

“Hey, you know what, I probably …”

Chloe pulled out her phone.

She looked at her phone’s background and sighed wistfully.

She continued walking until she was close to Rachel, then raised up the phone close to her face.

“She’s on my phone.”

Rachel’s face cycled through a few expressions as she fully processed this news, and her eyes flicked between Chloe’s face and the phone a few times.

She smiled.

“I’d say that’s a cutie.”

Chloe shrugged, and just put her phone away.

She walked to Rachel’s side, and just looked out to the forest all around them.

She kicked some leaves idly while she spoke, since what do you do with leaves, anyway.

“I never really thought of her like that. She was just my friend. My best friend. We did everything together.”

Rachel didn’t miss a beat.

“ _Everything?_ ”

Chloe groaned in exasperation and glared sidelong at Rachel.

“Dude _don’t_ \---“

Rachel did that hand-surrending thing she did again.

“--- Okay-okay-okay I’ll stop it with the gay stuff. Just … you seem really choked up about her.”

Chloe held her glare for a few moments, but eventually just sighed and looked forward again.

“She meant a lot to me, that’s why. If we could help it, we’d go everywhere together. Get in trouble, laugh it off.”

Chloe sighed wistfully.

“Get in trouble? She got you into trouble?”

Chloe laughed, earnestly, for the first time in a good long while.

Rachel did too, even if she didn’t know why they were laughing.

When she was done, Chloe looked to Rachel, and rubbed at the back of her own neck.

“No, not … not quite. I was the trouble maker. She was usually trying to be the voice of reason.”

Rachel hummed thoughtfully and nodded.

Chloe looked back forward.

Quiet.

Rachel looked forward, too.

“You said she left you when you needed her the most?”

Chloe sighed and nodded slowly.

 She figured Rachel was just warming up to the real questions.

“Yeah. Some shit went down in my life and she was fucking nowhere to be found. Fucked me up.”

Chloe could see Rachel frowning out of her peripheral vision.

“Why wasn’t she around?”

Chloe shrugged.

“Didn’t want to talk to me anymore. No one ever does.”

Rachel looked to Chloe, and Chloe could feel her gaze wearing heavily on her.

She looked to her.

“What?”

Rachel bit at her lip, but then shook her head.

“That can’t be the reason.”

Chloe raised her hands on either side of her body for a few moments, then crossed her arms.

“Yeah, well, it is. Her family packed up and moved to a whole fuckin’ ‘nother state.”

Rachel’s frown died off, and her expression started to drown in sympathies.

“Oh, Chloe, that’s not --- she can’t help ---“

Chloe grunted and turned her entire body to face Rachel.

Rachel thoughtlessly imitated.

“Yeah, it damn well fucking is.”

Chloe’s tone was getting a bit harsher and more accusative, again.

It wasn’t even anymore.

“It’s been --- I don’t even fucking know --- two or three years now --- I’m not fucking keeping track or anything --- and the bitch hasn’t even called and she won’t return any of my calls and she just …”

Chloe closed her eyes and exhaled harshly,

“She left me, alright? She realized she was better off without me in her life and she fucking cut me out.”

Rachel’s mouth opened, but she didn’t know what to say.

No one ever did.

Chloe grunted and turned away from Rachel, again.

“Everyone does, sooner or later. People just ---“

Chloe exhaled harshly again, suddenly realizing her breathing was a bit labored,

“--- People just … Everybody cares, until they fucking don’t. My best friend left me. My dad left me. My friends left me. Fucking boyfriends left me. Do you know how hard it is to make horny teenage guys not even want you? Like how pathetic ---“

Chloe’s rant was inexplicably cut off by Rachel placing a hand on her shoulder.

She went dead quiet, and shot Rachel a harsh glare.

But Rachel looked different, this time.

She didn’t immediately back off under Chloe’s harsh gaze.

She didn’t raise her hand in surrender.

She planted her feet and remained firm, squeezing at Chloe’s shoulder.

“Chloe, please. You can’t take all of that stuff personally … you just …”

Chloe’s eyes looked down to Rachel’s hand.

She didn’t remove it, though.

Her arms were still crossed, and her breathing was still heavy.

“Yeah?”

Rachel closed her eyes, breathed in deep, and removed her hand.

She looked down, before opening her eyes and looking back up again.

“I don’t know. I don’t have some big speech ready. It just … worries me to hear you talk about yourself like that.”

Chloe frowned and looked forward, again.

At least her breathing was a bit less heavy, now.

“I know. All I do is worry people.”

Rachel sighed again, and crossed her arms once more.

The worst times were maybe not when Chloe was all alone.

Maybe the worst times were when Chloe could predict that she fucking everything up, again.

And ruining what good had decided to randomly pop into her life.

Quiet.

Rachel didn’t have any more words, her face was just burdened with a million different little signs of concentration.

She was probably trying to find words that didn’t exist and put them into an order that was impossible to convince Chloe that she was wrong about all of this, somehow.

She wouldn’t have been the first.

But Chloe suddenly looked to Rachel.

There was that odd part of herself that seemed to short-circuit the rest of her brain.

It spoke automatically, without Chloe even realizing she was doing it.

“So uh. I figure you’re not on a cross-country journey for the funsies. What shit you got.”

Rachel blinked, and her face cycled between a few expressions, settling on something confused at the abrupt mood change.

She then just sighed, and off into the distance, as Chloe had.

She rubbed at one of her arms.

“Does it matter?”

Her voice too, had this sort of gentleness to it, when she thought about the subject.

She looked back to Chloe.

“Like you said. I’m not going to be around for too long. Maybe it would be easier ---“

Chloe just shrugged.

She plopped down and enjoyed watching some of the displaced leaves move about.

Rachel frowned, but quietly got down into a sitting position with Chloe.

“No, come on. If I get to be a mopey depressing sack of shit, you do too.”

Rachel exhaled, amused, and brought her knees up to her chest.

She wrapped her arms around.

“I guess it would be only fair. You mentioned your dad leaving? Well… I had a sister.”

Chloe didn’t remember, honestly, ever bringing up her dad, but she never fully remembered what came out of her mouth on impulse or anger.

She just leaned back against the tree they were near.

“Yeah?”

Rachel leaned back against it, too.

“She got … sick. My dad …”

Rachel frowned more deeply,

“He got a little weird. Start researching time travel.”

Chloe blinked and slowly looked to Rachel.

“Uhhhh. What?”

Rachel nodded.

“About my reaction to it. After like a year or so I didn’t even recognize him, he was so absorbed in his studies. I think he wanted to go back in time to spend more time with her, or find a way to cure her, or …”

Rachel sighed in exasperation.

“I don’t know. He wasn’t really there for most of my childhood. Then one day, I …”

Rachel looked to Chloe, and studied her face for a few seconds, before looking forward again.

“I got into a fight with him. It was bad. The next morning, I stole the family car and whatever cash I could fit into my pockets and just drove the fuck away.”

Chloe was speechless.

It didn’t even occur to her that someone so chipper and happy and nosey could have some kind of trauma they were dealing with, too.

It didn’t seem like it was legal to be happy and fucked-up at the same time.

Once again, the part of her that acted on impulse operated even while her cognition was frozen in thought.

Chloe raised a hand up and patted at Rachel’s shoulder, as Rachel had to her a few seconds ago.

Rachel sighed pleasantly and slumped more against the tree.

“Thanks.”

She unwrapped her arms and kicked her feet forward, watching the leaves dance about as Chloe had.

“I don’t even think he reported _me_ missing, just the damn car and his damn money.”

Chloe slowly removed her hand from Rachel’s shoulder and looked forward with her.

“So. Your dad is an asshole, my friend is an asshole, and neither of us have much of a family anymore.”

Rachel hummed thoughtfully.

“Almost right.”

Chloe blinked, and looked to Rachel.

“Almost?”

Rachel looked to Chloe and smiled pleasantly, somehow.

“Almost. The family you're born with might not be that great, but you can make your own family.”

Chloe blinked again.

“How?”

Rachel sighed, deeply, and looked away from Chloe back into the expanse of the forest.

“You find people you can trust. You make friends you would die for. Then you have the family you need.”

Chloe hummed flatly and considered the words.

Rachel scooted a bit closer, and rested her head on Chloe’s shoulder.

Rachel’s touch felt less scandalizing, this time.

Quiet.

 

Eventually, Rachel sighed, and sat up straight up again.

“Uhm, I --- that wasn’t gay --- I just ---“

Chloe looked to her and nodded quietly.

“Ayeh… Yeah, it’s fine.”

Rachel smiled.

“Good. I feel like I have to clarify around straight girls, sometimes …”

Chloe rolled her eyes and looked back forward.

Quiet.

It was a little awkward.

 

Eventually,

“So … enough of that heavy shit. Do you wanna hear about the first time I made out with a girl?”

Chloe sighed contently and closed her eyes.

“Yeah, actually.”

\---

Rachel was in a bar late at night.

She’d just finished playing a show.

A cute girl came up to her.

“You’re hot.”

Rachel giggled.

“No, you.”

They kissed.

Fin.

\---

Chloe shoved Rachel on the shoulder and exhaled, amused.

“You bitch, you just made that up.”

Rachel just smiled pleasantly and looked innocently at Chloe.

“What? Your accusations wound me. I told you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the truth.”

Chloe just rolled her eyes.

“Uh-huh. And I’m the king of Spain.”

Rachel’s smile became a wry grin.

“Do you want to hear the whole story for real?”

Chloe frowned slightly, but then just exhaled wearily.

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

\---

Rachel was in a bar late at night.

She’d just finished playing a show.

A cute girl came up to her.

“You’re hot.”

Rachel giggled.

“No, you are.”

They kissed.

The woman then orgasmed.

The bar cheered them on.

And the bar tender gave them free drinks for the rest of the night.

Fin.

\---

Chloe couldn’t help but to laugh now.

She didn’t know why she found it so funny.

“Oh, fuck. Fool me twice, you bitch.”

But Rachel was positively effusive.

“I’m glad I can amuse.”

Quiet.

Chloe calmed herself down with a neat exhale, and just leaned her head back to rest on the tree.

Rachel rested her head on Chloe’s shoulder in the intervening moments, again.

“The truth can be boring, sometimes. So uninteresting.”

Rachel sighed.

“I wish it was exciting as my version. In reality, I was so drunk I thought she was a guy and missed kissing her at first.”

Chloe blinked.

“You missed a kiss?”

Rachel laughed quietly and nodded.

“Yeah. Kissed a little to the left … I think … and got more on her cheek. She had to hold my face between her hands to even get a proper kiss.”

Chloe had no choice but to visualize this unusual scene.

She found it amusing enough that she smiled, softly.

“But … I guess all first kisses are doomed to be terrible in some way.”

Chloe blinked again.

“Your first kiss was with a girl?”

Rachel nodded again.

“Yeah, unless I forgot an earlier one from drinking or something.”

Chloe grunted.

“Jesus dude. When you did start drinking?”

 Rachel just shrugged.

“Does it matter? Younger than I should have.”

It was Chloe’s turn to sigh.

“I guess not. My first kiss was with some asshole who told me he loved me and wanted to marry me until I told him I wouldn’t do anal.”

Rachel laughed at this, earnestly.

Chloe frowned, a little bit.

Rachel took a few seconds to calm herself down.

“Ahhh. I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. It’s just … that sounds so like something Frank would do.”

Chloe grunted.

“I’m glad you can find humor in it. It felt like shit to get dumped by someone who was telling you that they loved you not a day earlier.”

Rachel was quiet for a few moments, then she sighed deeply.

She sat up straight, again, and looked to Chloe.

“I have to find the humor in things. The world is full of so much negativity and pain … if you don’t try and find some brightness and cling to it, you can drown in a sea of sorrow.”

Chloe hummed thoughtfully.

“That’s like, poetic, or something.”

Rachel chuckled.

“Song lyrics, dude. They’re from one of the songs you definitely weren’t paying attention to.”

Chloe just shrugged.

“If you were drunk enough to forget a fucking kiss I think I can get a pass for forgetting some shouted lyrics in a dive bar at like 2am.”

Rachel laughed again.

It felt good to be witty enough to make her laugh.

“Touche, I guess.”

Quiet.

Rachel then abruptly stood up, and leaned over to offer a hand to Chloe to help her up.

“C’mon. Let’s go back to the van. You seem happier now. Less cry-y.”

Chloe exhaled, amused, and looked up to Rachel, for once.

She then took the hand.

Her impulse told her to be playful and pull the hand to bring Rachel down.

Since Chloe was taller, probably older, and better.

But her impulse didn’t always win.

Rachel helped Chloe up and they made their way back to the van in companionable silence.

Chloe had a lot of think about, now.

At least with the weed in her system, it wasn’t all about Max and her dad, anymore.

 

\---

 

Perhaps the nicest bar Rachel ever played in was in San Francisco.

That wasn’t saying all that much, though.

It just meant she played on an actual stage, and wasn’t staring down some rando the entire time.

 

After the show, both she and Frank moved all of their equipment back into the van.

Then they stood outside it.

Rachel with her arms crossed.

Frank with a cigarette and beer bottle.

This wasn’t all that unusual.

They’d usually spend a few minutes outside of the van.

It was nice to make the most out of moments that they wouldn’t be cramped inside of it.

Still, Rachel suddenly sighed, and pushed herself off of the van’s side.

“I’m going back in.”

Frank coughed and took his cigarette out of his mouth to peer at her.

“You’re going to do what? Need I remind you it’s your turn to drive?”

Rachel just shrugged and looked back to him.

“We can sleep in the van, or something. We’re rarely in a bar so nice. I’d like to make the most of it.”

Frank frowned and looked at her some more.

He then sighed himself and pushed himself off of the van.

He let the cigarette fall and crushed it under his shoe.

Damn hippies weren’t about to let him some inside of bars.

“Fine. Whatever. You owe me.”

He walked up beside her and put his free hand into his jacket’s pocket.

Rachel frowned for just a few seconds.

“I didn’t say you had to come with.”

Frank shook his head.

“You are not drinking alone.”

Rachel frowned again, and looked behind him, to the van.

“What about the stuff? Lots of people saw us putting it into the van.”

Frank frowned.

“What about my band mate? Lots of people saw her playing.”

Rachel just sighed.

“Fine, _dad_.”

Frank snorted, inelegantly.

She gave up.

They walked into the bar together.

 

Rachel probably should have been more thankful of Frank’s help, in hindsight.

And while it was a nicer bar, it wasn’t a nice bar, and there were still plenty of seedy people around.

Just it was bigger, roomier, and didn’t smell of smoke.

Rachel sat down at one stools at one of the bars, and Frank sat down next to her.

They almost had the time to attract the bartender’s attention to them before a person sat down next to Rachel.

Rachel smiled, since it was compulsive by now, and looked to the stranger.

The stranger spoke first, though, pre-empting her pleasantries.

“Can you hit anywhere near as well as you can play?”

Rachel chuckled, quietly.

This was quite an interesting opening.

But the guy said it so confidently, and he was smiling just as warmly.

Rachel really needed more people who could smile in her life.

Even if his voice was a little too high-pitched and mousey for her tastes.

“Of course I can.”

The man pounded his fist on the bar in front of them.

“Prove it. Loser pays the tab. I pay if we draw.”

He settled down, looking away from the Rachel, and to the bartender.

Rachel just continued to smirk, but had more time to process this stranger.

He had kind of a baby face, but that could be endearing in its own right.

He was cleanly shaven.

Short hair just barely styled upwards.

Plaid overshirt, white undershirt, simple jeans, simple boots.

He wasn’t going to be winning any fashion shows, but he looked like a proper gentlemen in comparison to Frank.

The bartender came by.

“Six shots of vodka.”

Rachel blinked.

Three between the two of them?

Or maybe two between the three of them?

Or maybe Rachel heard wrong, somehow.

There was music playing, still.

Another band, even.

The bartender ID’d the boy because, well, she kind of had to, but then took to preparing the shots.

The shock of the order was such that Rachel didn’t meaningfully object.

Frank put a hand on her shoulder and leaned over.

He spoke quietly.

“That’s a lot. Three’s too much for you. This kid’s taller and meatier than you.”

Rachel just frowned, and looked over to Frank.

“I know. But he’s kinda cute. I think I can do this.”

Frank raised an eyebrow.

“He?”

He then just shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, if you throw up in the van, you’re cleaning it up.”

Rachel smiled.

“When do I not.”

Frank laughed quietly and sat back up, straight.

Some of the other patrons at the bar noticed the unusually large order, and started to look in their direction.

Rachel bit her lip as the first set of shot glasses came up.

The boy pushed one of them to Rachel, and picked up his own.

Rachel picked up her own.

Normally, with something like vodka, she’d try to wait a few moments before downing the shot.

It was best to appreciate the smell.

Even if she could tell from here this wasn’t especially good vodka.

The boy used his free hand to line up the other two shot glasses in front of them.

“Three … two …”

When he said ‘one’, Rachel immediately took the shot and placed it upside down on the bar.

One or two patrons around them whooped and hollered.

Good lord this was not good vodka.

It was already settling uneasily in her stomach and there was a noticeable unpleasant aftertaste.

The boy gasped, but hurriedly caught up to her premature shot, and imitated placing the shot glass down.

“Too slow!”

 The boy laughed and wiped his mouth with a free hand.

“I guess so.”

They both picked up their second shot.

This time, the boy didn’t even try to count down when they would do it.

He just waited until Rachel tipped her glass up and did it with her.

The second shot went down a lot less smoothly than the first.

The taste went from being merely tolerable to putrid.

After she put the glass down, she exhaled miserably and raised a hand to rub at her forehead.

She closed her eyes and groaned.

She was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, but she was used to drinking beer, not doing shots.

Still, before anyone – like Frank – could get concerned, she sat back up and cleared her throat.

The boy already had the third glass, but his smile had changed and crept upwards a bit too much.

His eyes were a little lidded.

“Too much for you?”

Rachel smiled and giggled.

It felt good to giggle.

“No.”

Frank put his hand on Rachel’s shoulder and squeezed it, but she didn’t even look back to him and just wormed it off.

“I got this.”

Rachel wasn’t sure she did, actually.

She took the last shot glass.

Just looking at the third glass, her body was complaining loudly.

This _was_ too much.

Especially so quickly.

Especially in shot form.

The acrid smell of the drink was almost repulsive, now.

But she wasn’t about to lose.

The third drink did go down, but Rachel’s body was complaining righteously throughout.

After she put the drink down she had to raise a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes again.

She was _definitely_ feeling the alcohol, now.

Rachel wasn’t a tall or heavy girl.

And Frank _was_ right, this boy had a good half a foot on her, at least.

But she wasn’t about to lose.

And she didn’t.

She heard some amused cheering from other patrons, but she was mostly focusing on ensuring that shot wouldn’t come back up.

She shivered without meaning to.

But she gasped and opened her eyes suddenly when she felt an exhale of breath on her face.

Now the boy’s face was inches away from hers, and positively grinning.

“Goddamn that’s hot.”

Rachel giggled again, for entirely too long.

She raised a hand up to move some strands of hair out of her own face.

“Yeah? You think so?”

The boy nodded, and leaned in closer still.

Rachel didn’t object.

They kissed.

After they separated, Rachel giggled again, got up out of her seat, and took the boy by his hands.

“Let’s find some place more comfortable.”

 

They didn’t make it out too far.

There was a small alleyway that ran along the side the bar.

Despite the fact the boy was taller and probably stronger, Rachel was the one that dragged him to one of the walls and pushed him up against it.

They made out, but the alcohol was so strong in Rachel’s system by now she didn’t fully experience much of it.

Her face even felt a little numb.

When their hands started to roam each other’s sides, the boy suddenly paused, and broke away from making out.

Rachel breathed severely but frowned nonetheless.

“What?”

The boy frowned, too.

But he hesitated.

Eventually,

“Hold up, I don’t even know your name.”

Rachel giggled wildly and nodded a few times.

“I know, isn’t it exciting?”

Rachel did notice something she hadn’t before, though.

Her eyes had never particularly lingered on the boy’s chest, nor did she ever get too good a glance at it with the loose-fitting overshirt.

But he definitely had boobs.

The boy sighed and shook his head.

“No – no – I – no, I need – I want – “

He pushed Rachel away and sighed wearily.

He raised a hand to rub at his own temples.

Rachel frowned more severely, but gave him some distance with her arms crossed.

“ _Look_. This isn’t … me. Just – I saw you playing – and – I thought you’d like …”

He breathed in deeply, before putting his hand down.

“I don’t have random drunken sex with people.”

Rachel scoffed.

“Could have fooled me.”

Before the boy had the time to react, though, Rachel coughed a little violently and ambled over to the wall.

She covered her mouth and supported her body with a hand on the wall.

 _This_ did not feel good.

The boy hesitated again.

“Um… are you …”

“Evenin’, ladies.”

Rachel knew this second voice was Frank’s, but she didn’t care right now.

In fact, she stopped thinking about much at all.

She threw up.

 

Sometime later, she groaned, and uncomfortably shifted around in some car seat.

Her eyes and body ached, but she forced her eyes to open, anyway.

There was a definite gap in her memory.

But Frank was here.

They were in their van.

Frank was sleeping in the driver’s seat.

He grunted and stirred as Rachel did, though.

“It’s like five AM, princess. Go back to sleep.”

Rachel groaned at the news and rubbed at her forehead.

“What … what happened? Where’s the boy …?”

Frank scoffed.

“The _girl_ ”, he really leaned in on the emphasis, “you made out with recognized me from the band. She wanted me to tell you she’d like a date. Wrote down her number. It’s in your pocket.”

Rachel frowned, and groaned again.

She melted into the seat.

Was that a woman?

It didn’t seem like it.

Or maybe it did?

He – she – had boobs.

The baby face and all made more sense if she was a girl.

But …

Rachel frowned.

She wasn’t a lesbian.

She wasn’t ---

“Since when do you start making out with women, anyway? Not that I disapprove, just ---”

Rachel groaned yet again, and hid her face in her hands.

“--- I was drunk, okay? I thought she was just a girly guy. Those are cute too, you know … ugh.”

Frank laughed earnestly.

“That’s feminism for you. Girls dressing and acting like boys. Bitch wasn’t even wearing any makeup. But I know what I saw.”

Rachel pulled her hands down to object since _seriously_ –

But Frank placed a hand on her shoulder, and his face was unusually sober.

“But. Seriously. I don’t care. You could have sex with dogs for all I care. Just let me know next time so I know who to tell to buzz off.”

Rachel still wanted to object.

But Frank was being kind of sweet.

She didn’t want to seem ungrateful, since these moments were rare, and she really ought to be encouraging more of them.

Or maybe that’s just what she told herself.

“Thanks, Frank. I … I really appreciate that. I just … I think I have some thinking to do.”

Frank scoffed, again, and settled back into his seat, with his eyes closed.

“Whatever. Just do your thinking after you sleep.”

 

Rachel did find the number in her pocket, later.

The name written on it was even masculine – Richard.

She never called it, though.

Rachel wasn’t really one for dates.

Or maybe that’s just what she told herself.

They moved on to another city, afterwards, and Rachel never saw him … her … whatever … again.

Still.

Rachel wouldn’t ever forget the night.

Nor all of the thinking it made her do afterwards.

She definitely wasn’t a lesbian.

But maybe she wasn’t straight, either.

Maybe it was the short hair, or something.

It wasn't her fault if short hair on a girl was really cute.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe acts on impulse.
> 
> Rachel can't believe what she's seeing.
> 
> Someone just can't fucking handle it right now.

Chloe had a lot to think about, lately.

It’d been a few days since she’d had the conversation with Rachel in the forest after getting high.

It kinda never left her mind, since.

She groaned and knocked her back against the foot of her bed, again.

She was in her favorite spot, sitting on the floor, legs up by her chest, with her arms hugging herself tightly.

It was weird to think of Rachel being gay.

She was so … normal.

It was weird to think of Rachel having some kind of tragic backstory.

She was so … normal.

It was weird to think of Rachel caring one raw fuck for Chloe.

She was so … normal.

And Chloe was anything but.

She groaned and thrashed her head back and forth a few times.

She then unwrapped one of her arms and rubbed at her forehead.

Why did she keep thinking something gay had happened between her and Max?

Was it the way Chloe talked about her?

Was it her emotional reaction to Max’s disappearance?

Something else?

Or did Rachel just assume that, because she was like that herself?

Chloe had never really given it much thought.

She just assumed.

It wasn’t even really an option in her mind.

It was just the way the world worked.

Men were attracted to women.

Women were attracted to men.

Chloe dated some men.

Boys, really.

None of them were especially satisfying, but.

Who expects teenage boys to be like that?

_Oh sweetie. Boys are just boys, you know?_

Her mother’s words.

Back when she still talked with her mother much, anyway.

Maybe it didn’t really matter, too much.

Even if there was something gay with her and Max, Max was in another state.

Lord only knows how many miles.

She didn’t even want to fucking talk.

But of course she didn’t.

Who would?

Chloe sighed and stood up.

She cracked her neck and gyrated her body around to loosen it up from all of the soreness from her long sit down period.

She slowly, carefully made her way into the bathroom.

She didn’t look at her reflection.

She unhinged the mirror and looked into the medicine cabinet hiding behind it.

Just as slowly, she raised a hand up and grasped for a bill bottle.

Anti-depressants.

After her father’s death, her mother insisted she visit a therapist.

Her reasoning was even if Chloe was totally fine about him dying – which she wasn’t – it would be nice to talk to someone who knew how to be talked to about it.

And he did listen.

He was nice.

But his job was to “fix” Chloe.

What if she wasn’t fucking broken?

What if it was fucking normal to act like this after everything that happened to her?

Why did she need fucking medication?

She sighed wearily again and closed her eyes.

She thought about Rachel.

Rachel had her own shit in her life to deal with.

But did she mope in her fucking room all day long?

No.

She did something about it.

She stole some money.

She made out with some girls.

She joined a band.

She traveled across the country.

Maybe to escape her own troubles, but.

Maybe to solve them, too.

Maybe Rachel was on anti-depressants, too.

Maybe that’s what made her so damn chipper.

Chloe opened her eyes and looked at the pill bottle, again.

Her eyes studied it, but her brain discarded the information as soon as it registered.

Who did Chloe really want to be?

If she died tomorrow, would she be happy how she acted these past however many years?

Would her dad?

Chloe knew what the answer would be, and it caused her nails to dig into the pill bottle.

She kind of always knew what the answer would be.

She twisted off the top and took her dose.

For the first time in god knows how long.

She’d always just find some way to dispose of her dose, before, so her mother wouldn’t get suspicious.

But maybe she could give these a shot.

Maybe Chloe could be more like Rachel.

Maybe she could be someone people actually wanted to be around.

Maybe she could be more than this.

She put the top back onto the pill bottle and shoved it back into her medicine cabinet.

She closed the door, but hesitated when she saw her reflection.

Her hand stayed frozen upwards.

All of these years, and she looked exactly like she did in that photo with Max.

All of these years, and she barely even bothered to buy new clothes.

All of these years, the world moved right past her, while she stayed in one place.

Quietly suffering.

She lowered her hand, frowned, and walked down the steps to the kitchen.

She found some scissors.

She made her way back up to the bathroom.

She cut her hair.

The long hair she wore before was incorrect.

It represented an earlier stage of her life.

When she was more innocent to the world, and how fucking cruel it was.

That person was dead, now.

It probably died when Max left her, but certainly did when her dad did.

She’d just been denying it and denying it and denying it for too long.

Every strand of hair cut felt liberating.

Like she was doing something.

Like she was changing.

Like she was becoming a better person.

She made her way around her hair, and cut it to about ear-length.

It was a little uneven and a little sloppy.

But Chloe kind of liked it.

She put the scissors down, ignored the hair all over her chest and feet, and raised a hand up to play with her hair.

In a weird way, it almost reminded her of Max.

Just that Chloe knew what a comb was, and her was shorter still.

The thought, somehow, made her smile.

She put her hands on either side of the bathroom sink and leaned over it, with her eyes closed.

Could she really do this?

Could she smile through all of the shit she thought about constantly?

 _You don’t have to change who you are to be happy_.

That part of her mind that sounded like Max.

Chloe frowned at the thought, and tightened her grip on the edges of the sink stand.

_Fuck that noise. Be a boss. Be a rebel. Be the person you always to be. No one will ever know if it’s fake or not._

And that other, impulsive side.

Chloe exhaled pleasantly at this and shoved herself upright.

She cracked her neck, ran her hand along her cheek, and smiled.

She could do that.

She didn’t know, exactly, where the confidence her came from to think she could do that.

She just knew it, somehow.

She could do that.

She could be like Rachel.

She could be cool.

She could be in a band.

And make out with whoever the fuck _she_ wanted to.

Chloe needed new clothes.

 

It was a few days later, on a Thursday perhaps, when Chloe ventured around town on her skateboard.

It felt nice to be riding again.

Because it was summer, the weather was really starting to heat up, and the increased wind against her skin from the increased speed of riding on a skateboard made it more tolerable.

Still.

This wasn’t a joyride.

She was on a mission.

 

Eventually, she found what she was looking for.

A mostly-unmarked van, parked in some store’s lot.

She pulled up beside it, kicked her board up into her hand, and walked up to the driver’s side window.

The window here was tinted, though, so she couldn’t see in.

Didn’t stop her from knocking, though.

The window rolled down and Frank frowned at her for a few seconds.

Then he blinked.

“I didn’t know there was a hot topic store here.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and brought her board up behind her head.

“Stuff it, dude. Where’s Rachel?”

Frank’s face contorted.

“Rachel?”

Then he blinked and shook his head.

“Oh. Gimme a second.”

He looked back, to the back of the van, and mumbled something not meant for Chloe’s ears.

She heard some rustling.

After some more rustling and some groaning, Rachel got out of the passenger side.

Frank rolled his window up.

She walked around to the driver’s side of the van.

At first, Rachel was smiling nice and wide, as she always did.

But her mouth kind of gaped when she got a look at Chloe, and she couldn’t even finish walking.

Perhaps Chloe should have been scandalized.

But it just made her grin, instead.

If she was surprising one of the only people who actually knew her to any degree, she _was_ changing.

Chloe closed the distance between the two and smirked down at Rachel.

“What? Never seen a punk before?”

Rachel closed her mouth, shook her head, and cleared her throat.

Her face hadn’t recovered from the shock, though.

“Uh. I guess not.”

She looked up and down Chloe’s attire.

Chloe watched her eyes move, for a few seconds.

Chloe wore boots now. She usually wore just comfortable skate shoes.

They went better with the torn skinny jeans she was wearing, anyway.

Jeans weren’t unusual for her, but they were usually loose and comfortable.

And not full of holes.

She was almost proud of these, since she put the holes in there herself, with a pocket knife. 

She also wasn’t wearing a jacket anymore, which she’d usually always wear, even though it was in the middle of fucking summer.

That just left a tank top.

But Chloe was lazy, and couldn’t be bothered to get a comfortable enough bra that also didn’t show with a strappy top.

When Rachel’s eyes made their way up to Chloe’s face, she just crossed her arms and smiled.

“You cut your hair, too, on top of all of this.”

Chloe brought her skateboard back down to the floor, and idly moved it back and forth with a foot, while she ran some of her fingers through her own hair.

“Yeah. Figured it was time for a change.”

Rachel just smiled a bit wider.

“Well. I’m sure you don’t care, but I like it. It’s very … noticeable.”

Chloe laughed, and it felt good to laugh.

She put her hands in her pockets and looked away for a few seconds.

“Yeah. People can stare all they want. What’s important is I like it.”

She looked back with a smile, and Rachel just chuckled, quietly shaking her head with her eyes closed.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you but it’s hella rad.”

Chloe dedicated the words to memory.

_Hella rad._

She then looked up, opened her eyes, and smiled warmly again.

“Anyway, what’s up? I figure you didn’t just come by to show off your new fashion sense.”

Chloe nodded and crossed her arms.

“There’s a show going on in Portland this weekend. Are you and Frank down?”

Rachel pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side slightly.

She hesitated for just a second.

“That’s a good bit of driving. I dunno if I can convince Frank to do that. What kind of show?”

Chloe shrugged.

“Rock, punk, shoegaze, whatever. It’s some huge outside stage on the outskirts of town.”

Rachel rolled her eyes.

“Very specific of you. Well. Sounds like the kind of place where we might be able to resupply.”

She then just nodded, and turned to face the van for a few seconds.

“Alright. I’ll see if Frank will want to drive.”

She looked to Chloe.

“You have transportation, yeah?”

Chloe just smiled.

“I have you and your van, don’t I?”

Rachel laughed earnestly, and looked forward to the van, again.

It felt good to make Rachel laugh like that.

She then just breathed in deep, sighed, and turned to face Chloe again.

“You know what, I guess you do. If you can tolerate Frank for the ride.”

Chloe just grinned.

“You mean if _he_ can tolerate _me_.”

Rachel exhaled, amused, and quietly chuckled again with another short shake of her head.

“Uh-huh, yeah sure.”

Chloe then briefly looked around before taking a step or two closer.

“Rad. Can I get your number?”

Rachel pursed her lips and hummed thoughtfully.

“You certainly can.”

 

After exchanging numbers and waving goodbye – though Rachel insisted on a hug – Chloe skateboarded away and reflected on what had happened.

She wasn’t really sure if this was an act, per se.

In fact, it felt most like she was a kid, again.

How she acted around Max, all of those years ago.

Maybe it was the anti-depressants.

Maybe it was her haircut.

Maybe it was the new clothes.

Maybe it was the way she made Rachel laugh and smile unforced.

Maybe it was some combination, or all of them.

Maybe it was this goddamn sun frying her brain.

But it felt good to not sit around in her room, all day long.

It felt good to be, what did Rachel say?

_Hella rad._

 

The weekend came soon enough.

Rachel texted her – once – to tell her that Frank was down for the event.

She didn’t respond to any other texts, though.

It put a vaguely-worrying knot in Chloe’s stomach that she was being too overbearing, somehow.

Still, soon the time had come for them all to meet up.

They were going to pick her up at her house, since they had a van with AC and all.

Chloe laid back on her bed with her hands behind her head.

She still thought about things, of course.

The anti-depressants were helping her from disassociating too much, but it didn’t just erase what had happened.

She could still remember very clearly the weight Max had on her shoulders as they walked back from that fateful day.

The way Max couldn’t meet Chloe’s eyes for the rest of the way back.

She could remember every goddamn second ---

Someone was knocking on the door.

Chloe sighed and kicked her feet up, then used some momentum to propel herself onto her feet off of the bed.

She turned off her hi-fi and grabbed one of her jackets thrown variously throughout her room.

It was actually dumb of her to bother, since the jacket was denim, and it was fucking summer, but whatever.

She put it on all the same as she walked her way down the stairs.

Chloe opened the door.

“Hey girl.”

Rachel spared no time in greeting her with that warm smile of hers, and extended her arms out for a hug.

Chloe just smiled, barely.

Rachel not seeming to be annoyed helped to alleviate that dumb part of her brain telling her she was being overbearing.

Chloe walked forward and they hugged.

This time, when Rachel tightened the hug, so did Chloe, and it got a surprised squeak out of Rachel for it.

Afterwards, Chloe put her hands in her jacket’s pockets.

Rachel hesitated for just a second or two.

“You’re not going to invite me in?”

Chloe scoffed and exhaled, amused.

She looked back into her house.

“Nothing to see. My room’s a shit pile. Small house.”

She looked back forward, and Rachel just shrugged.

“It’s _your_ shit pile, though. C’mon.”

Chloe shrugged and just sighed.

“Alright, alright, whatever dude. Tellin’ you though …”

Chloe removed one of her hands from her jacket and beckoned Rachel in.

Rachel quietly closed the door behind her as she entered and as Chloe walked up the stairs again.

Rachel followed her.

Chloe opened the door to her room and walked inside.

Rachel followed her and closed the door behind her.

Chloe walked to her bed and sat down pleasantly on the edge, cupping her hands together.

Rachel didn’t follow her, this time.

She just hummed thoughtfully and looked around.

Chloe raised her arms on either side of her body.

“Mi casa.”

Rachel chuckled quietly.

“Habitación de Chloe.”

Chloe just blinked at this.

Her hands quietly came back together.

Rachel just giggled and walked into the center of the room.

“Well don’t give me that look if you’re going to try Spanish.”

Chloe just exhaled, amused again, and looked down to the floor with her head shaking.

“Anyway. What do you think?”

Chloe looked back up, and Rachel immediately, painfully hesitated.

Her mouth opened and gaped and the whole nine yards.

“It’s um … lived-in?”

Chloe laughed earnestly and stood up.

She bounced a little bit over to Rachel, then past her, to her hi-fi.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re not a very good liar?”

Rachel just laughed herself and shook her head while Chloe put on some music.

Rachel looked around again.

Chloe’s room was certainly something.

There’s a saying that you can tell a lot about someone by how they handle their personal space.

Chloe’s room looked barely-contained, with various parts of the floor working as a clothes hamper.

There was even a shirt covering her lamp in the corner.

That had to have been some kind of fire hazard.

The walls were mostly clear of clutter, though Rachel did see some graffiti and a scale of some sort by the far of the end room, by Chloe’s bed.

Surprisingly, amongst the rest of this, Chloe’s bed was made.

Maybe she only slept on it, instead of under it.

Rachel walked a bit closer to the bed and unconsciously raised a hand to her chin, with her other arm supporting the first.

Chloe had basically no furniture in here, only the bed, a chair by her hi-fi, and a desk.

But the desk was … unusual.

It seemed to be kept almost meticulously clean.

There were a pile of old-timey polaroid photos at one edge of it, and next to those, a stack of lined paper with a little pen set neatly on top.

The only thing that looked out of place on the desk – indeed the only thing that looked untidy – was a picture frame set face down on the other side.

Rachel looked back to Chloe.

Chloe was still fussing with picking out a song.

She had a few CD jewel cases in her hands and was comparing.

Rachel bit her lip, and quietly toed over to the desk.

She picked up the picture frame and looked at the photo.

It took everything inside of her to not immediately vocalize how cute the picture was, though.

Chloe had to have been a few years younger, here.

Her hair was still long, for one.

And she was with that girl on Chloe’s phone.

Max?

Chloe had her hand over Max’s head, doing bunny ears.

They both looked so happy.

Rachel hadn’t seen Chloe smile like this before.

Rachel sighed and put the photo back face-down before Chloe got suspicious.

“So you don’t believe in a clothes hamper?”

Chloe just scoffed, but didn’t look in Rachel’s direction.

“Shit just gets dirty anyway. I know which piles are good to wear.”

Rachel just shook her head and rolled her eyes.

She crossed her arms and leaned against the desk.

She looked around again, more out of boredom this time than anything else.

Her eyes almost immediately drifted to a little nook on the near side of Chloe’s bed.

It was basically hidden from view from other parts of the room.

There was a trash can and ---

_What._

Rachel suddenly got a massive, shit-eating grin.

Not even caring if Chloe was looking at her anymore, Rachel ambled over to Chloe’s bed, sat down on the corner, and reached back to pull out a magazine from this hidden nook.

She cleared her throat.

“Playboy, Issue number --- “

Chloe dropped her CD jewel cases and froze.

She blinked a couple dozen times and carefully looked over to Rachel, with her jaw hanging open stupidly.

Rachel giggled and waved the magazine with one hand.

It was kind of fun to break Chloe like that.

Chloe shook her head and shot over to the bed like a lightening bolt.

She dived onto the bed and pulled the magazine free from Rachel’s grasp.

Rachel didn’t intend to let it go, but Chloe was taller and stronger, after all, and had momentum.

Chloe fell down onto the bed, face first, with the playboy magazine tightly held to her chest and hidden from all view.

She groaned viciously into the fabric of the bed.

“Dude you’re such a fucking --- _ugh_ \---“

Rachel hadn’t stopped grinning yet, though, and giggled again at Chloe’s theatrics.

She moved a hand to pat at Chloe’s back consolingly.

Chloe just groaned again.

She’d only _just_ gotten this magazine a little while ago – and it was kind of fucking stupid to get it since the internet and all but –

She’d totally forgotten she’d placed it by her bedside stash, and not somewhere more private.

Just some rotten luck for Rachel to find it.

Eventually though, Rachel just sighed.

“Come on, dude. It’s not that bad.”

Chloe huffed again.

After raising and planting her head against the bed a few times as a vent, she slowly flopped around and sat back up, next to Rachel.

She kept the magazine close, though.

When Chloe looked back to Rachel, her grin wasn’t as shit-eating as before.

Definitely warm, but her eyes were also half-lidded in a way that Chloe hadn’t really seen before.

Her voice was even softer.

“Like … seriously, out of everyone you know … who do you think would be bothered least by this?”

Chloe just sighed wearily, because of course Rachel wouldn’t be scandalized by it.

She slowly uncrossed her arms and let the magazine fall between them.

Chloe put her hands on the edge of the bed and looked down, and away.

Rachel hesitated.

She put her hand on Chloe’s shoulder and rubbed it.

Her voice got softer, still.

“Nothing to be ashamed about. Even if you’re not ---“

Chloe snapped her head around to looking at Rachel.

“--- I don’t know. I just …”

Chloe exhaled, frustrated, and looked forward.

“I’ve been thinking.”

Rachel hummed thoughtfully, and picked up the playboy magazine.

“Well. Do you know what I think?”

Chloe looked back to her with an inquisitive hum.

Rachel shoved the magazine inelegantly at Chloe’s chest.

Chloe carefully raised her hands up to hold it, again.

“I think you should take it with you on our trip. Read it right in front of fuckin’ Frank with no shame in the world.”

Chloe blushed and laughed nervously, unevenly, at the thought.

She looked down to the magazine, again.

“That’s so … careless and cocky. Like who cares what he thinks.”

Rachel hummed in accordance.

“Who cares what he thinks. Who cares what anyone thinks.”

Chloe went quiet for a characteristically long time while she considered the words.

Just how far could she take being carefree?

Did it really matter if anyone judged her?

Chloe still had so, so many questions.

And no answers.

Rachel, though, didn’t handle the silence well, and eventually just stood up.

“Anyway, we’ve been keeping Frank waiting long enough. Let’s get going.”

Chloe nodded, stood up with her, rolled up the magazine, and shoved it into one of her jacket pockets.

“Okay. Just one thing?”

Rachel looked to her and hummed a questioning tone.

“Don’t snoop, please? It reminds me too much of Max. Nothing in my room was fuckin’ scared to her.”

Rachel laughed.

But then she realized Chloe was being serious.

She calmed herself down, breathed in deeply, and nodded.

“Okay. I’ll be a bit less snoop-y.”

Chloe didn’t need to know that Rachel already saw the face-down picture.

It was quite fascinating to think of why Chloe would keep the picture around, yet not let herself look at it.

It didn’t fit with Chloe obviously and outwardly resenting Max leaving her.

Chloe just sighed and looked forward.

“Thanks.”

Her voice was bled dry of any tone and almost unbearably flat.

She started walking forward.

Rachel bit her lip, crossed her arms, but walked behind Chloe anyway.

 

They walked downstairs, out of the house, and into the van.

Frank hardly even spared them a glance as Chloe got in first and ambled her way into the back.

Rachel sat in the passenger seat.

When she closed the door, Frank just simply put the van into gear, and started driving off.

Wordlessly.

 

It took Chloe a few minutes to realize that the entire trip might possibly be this quiet.

She frowned.

Rachel hadn’t said a word to her since they left Chloe’s room.

She just kept typing away at her phone.

Doing what?

Texting?

Playing games?

Did she have other friends?

She must have, right?

There’s no way her only friends were Frank and Chloe.

She was too nice.

Too normal.

Chloe pulled the playboy magazine out of her jacket and looked to the two backs of the seats.

Rachel framed it so rebelliously, but Frank couldn’t even really see Chloe without turning his entire head around and leaning his body to the side of the seat.

Something he wouldn’t do while driving.

But, maybe just the fact that she had the nerve to take it with her into public was something on its own.

She might have ran into a neighbor, or something.

The idea was decidedly less embarrassing, now.

She might even be able to get one of those endearing laughs out of Rachel if Chloe responded to the situation appropriately.

Chloe sighed.

Her eyes were looking at the magazine, but her brain was distracted, unprocessing of what it saw.

 “Hey Rach?”

Chloe’s impulsive side, again.

She looked up to Rachel, and Rachel made a thoughtful humming sound, looking back between the seats to Chloe.

“Yeah dude?”

Chloe looked off to the opposite side of the van, then back to Rachel.

Rachel’s eyes followed her briefly.

“You mind sitting back here? I want to talk?”

Rachel’s face scrunched up for a few moments.

But then she just smiled, and shook her head.

“We’re talking now, aren’t we?”

For some reason or another that Chloe didn’t fucking understand, this felt like rejection.

Perhaps Rachel was being entirely logical and reasonable – they were having a conversation right now, after all.

But perhaps it wasn’t that.

Perhaps Rachel was just wising up to not wanting to talk to Chloe.

That’s why she was using her phone.

That’s why she was so quiet.

That’s why she was snooping, earlier.

She was looking for a reason.

Some excuse or some thread of logic to put distance between them.

Everyone did, eventually.

Chloe just sighed and looked back down to her magazine.

“Never mind.”

Rachel frowned at Chloe’s words.

She knew something was wrong.

But not quite what.

And she feared she didn’t have the words to help.

Wanting to help someone, knowing that you can in some capacity, but not being able to in the moment, was the worst feeling.

Rachel quietly looked back forward.

Frank spared her a furtive glance.

Rachel looked back down to her phone, and finished typing out what she was texting.

_ttyl k someone’s feeling down xoxo_

But a response came back immediately.

_wat you were quiet all day and now?? you’re?? gone?? c’mon dude_

Rachel sighed wearily.

She bit her lip, looked out the window, and considered her options.

Rachel looked down to her phone again.

Another message.

_like my dad has been an asshole all day and i just fucking can’t rn im going to fucking scream and_

Maybe the worst feeling wasn’t being unable to help someone.

Maybe the worst feeling was choosing not to, to help someone else.

_chill nate I’m here ok ok what’s up tell me more xoxo_

Rachel’s phone rang.

She hesitated, but put in her headphones, and quietly took the call.

She would find a way to balance all of this, somehow.

She had to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel is worried.
> 
> Chloe runs.
> 
> Rachel stands on her tippy toes.
> 
> Chloe grips a beanie, snuggled under a blanket.

The walk home from the junkyard was awkward.

Chloe didn’t object as much as she wanted to to the news that Max’s parents wanted to move.

It wouldn’t be fair to take it out on Max.

It wasn’t her fault, after all.

But still, it left them both a little pensive, to say the least.

 

Eventually, they reached Chloe’s house again.

She could see Max’s family’s car was still in the driveway, despite the fact the sun had pretty much set by now.

Before Chloe could open the door, Max put a hand on her shoulder.

“Chloe …”

She sounded so agonized.

Chloe sighed wearily and slowly turned around.

“Max.”

Chloe couldn’t even look Max in the eyes.

“C’mon, let’s just …”

Max walked right in front of Chloe and got up on her tippy toes.

Chloe blinked, looked at Max and –

Max tightly wrapped her arms around Chloe and kissed at her cheek.

“ _Please_ , Chloe. You’re my best friend. Let’s not fight …”

Chloe breathed in harshly and blushed.

She had to admit, though.

That was ---

The door behind them opened.

Max immediately released the hug.

They both turned to face the door.

Joyce was standing there with her arms crossed, looking mighty cross.

She spoke first.

“Where have you been young lady? You were worrying all of us to death.”

Chloe looked up her, looked her dead in the eyes, and shoved her hands into her own pockets.

“Learning my best friend was moving away. Thanks for telling me, by the way.”

Joyce’s expression faltered immediately.

She brought a hand up to cover her mouth.

Chloe shoved her way past her mother into the house.

She sat down, and the Caulfields talked pleasantly at her, but.

She wasn’t listening, anymore.

 

Chloe was numb for the rest of the afternoon.

She didn’t want to cry.

She didn’t want to feel.

She didn’t want to be left alone.

 

\---

 

Rachel frowned.

“This was the spot, right?”

She and Frank stopped moving through the crowd of people.

They both looked around.

Frank just grunted and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Seems like it. Look who’s gone missing.”

Rachel sighed wearily and her breath hitched up a little bit, a small worried thing.

Frank raised an eyebrow.

Rachel pulled out her phone and clicked through a few messages.

Her frown was intense when she shoved the phone back into her pocket.

She looked back up to Frank.

“Says she went to buy merch.”

Frank grunted again.

“With what money?”

Rachel sighed again.

“Good question. You don’t think she ---“

Frank grunted once more.

“--- I think you should stop worrying so much about this bitch. She’s been nothing but a headache for you.”

Rachel went quiet, crossed her arms, and looked away from Frank.

Despite the volume of the crowd around them, her voice became more somber and quiet.

Thankfully, they were pretty close together.

“That’s not true. I think Chloe is the kind of person you can confide in with anything, and she won’t judge you.”

Frank too, crossed his arms.

“Is that supposed to mean something?”

Rachel just turned her head to smile pleasantly at him.

“Of course not.”

She then just exhaled and shook her head, looking forward to the stage once more.

“Besides. She’s not straight, and I could use more queer girls in my life.”

Frank scoffed, amused.

“So that’s what the short hair and getup is for.”

Rachel shoved him with one of her elbows carelessly.

He just laughed and shook his head.

She then started to walk off to the side, through the crowd again.

“Come on. I want to go make sure she’s not getting into trouble.”

Frank sighed wearily.

“I’m telling you. She’s not worth it.”

Rachel pleasantly ignored him.

 

\---

 

Coming here was a mistake.

Chloe shoved a cigarette between her lips and walked between the various vendor displays.

She didn’t know why she even wanted to come to this stupid show.

Now she was hours away from home and had to rely on Rachel to get back.

Chloe sighed.

The music was alright, she supposed.

Just.

Rachel.

They finally get out here after a painfully long and quiet ride, and almost as soon as they make it into the crowd by the stage, Rachel and Frank leave to start finding drug dealers.

They couldn’t even settle in without wanting to get their fucking fix.

Was that the path Chloe was on?

Being unable to even see a fucking show without needing drugs?

She’d stopped, at some point, to just stare at some metallic wrist accessories.

Some arm bands, some bracelets, yadda yadda.

Her eyes were unprocessing of what they were seeing.

She inhaled sharply and pulled the cigarette away to just breathe out the smoke to nowhere in particular.

Chloe was slowly coming to accept that Rachel probably didn’t care too much for her.

Or if she somehow did, it was a temporary phase until she learned better.

But, still.

Rachel was probably one of the only people who had been any semblance of outwardly kind to Chloe.

She was the only one – outside of her therapist – that even _tried_ to help her with her fucked up brain and unresolved issues with Max and her dad.

She did agree to go all of the way out here with her, ostensibly to enjoy the music with her.

But then she spent the entire car ride talking to other people.

But then she and Frank took off and left her alone as soon as they could.

But then, but then, but then.

Chloe couldn’t figure out how Rachel really saw her.

And the possibilities weighed heavy on her mind.

“’Ey lady, you going to buy anything? You’ve been gawking for five whole minutes.”

Chloe blinked, her eyes finally reattaching themselves to reality, and she slowly looked up to the vendor.

She took another hit of her cigarette and blew the smoke out near, though not directly in, his face.

“Nah.”

She didn’t have any money on her, anyway.

The vendor frowned and shooed her away with a hand gesture.

“Then get out of my face.”

Chloe’s hand that wasn’t supporting the cigarette just waved him down, and she turned to start walking some more.

She looked at the floor, now, and shoved her free hand into the pocket of her denim jacket.

Maybe Chloe wasn’t meant to understand Rachel.

Maybe she should just be happy that someone seemed interested in her for some reason.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Chloe sighed and stopped walking at the end of the long line of merch vendors.

Some ways in front of her was a forest, the same forest that surrounded the entire venue, save for a small path that vehicles that could travel on.

Maybe she could find some peace and quiet in there while Rachel and Frank were busy getting high.

Her cigarette ran out, and she tossed it down into the grass, uncaring.

Her boot idly smushed it into uselessness.

After a few seconds, her eyes noticed the vendor booth nearest to her was not being manned by any seller.

She looked around.

Everyone else was occupied with other tasks.

Chloe looked back to the nearest booth and frowned out of concentration.

There was a glass jar full of dollar bills.

More than enough to make her life a thousand times better.

Did some jerkwad selling T-shirts really need the money more than she did?

Her parent could barely fucking afford the school she was going to.

They were just scraping by.

Here this asshole was turning some kind of profit.

He probably had money to burn.

Fuck him.

Chloe walked over to the booth.

She put her hand on the jar of money.

Could she do this?

Just the thought filled her with all kinds of nervous, excitable energy – anxious and unbound.

This was a trespass.

It was illegal.

But just like with the bar, just like with smoking, just like with drinking, it was also _exciting._

Chloe could be whatever she wanted to be.

Including not poor.

“Hey, shit for brains, that’s not ---“

Chloe’s impulse acted more quickly than her mind did.

It was going to get her killed, someday.

She picked up the jar full of money, shoved it into her jacket, and ran as fast as her feet would take her into the forest.

Fuck.

 

\---

 

“Thief! Fucking --- god --- get back here!”

Rachel frowned.

She saw two figures running away at the far end of the merchandizing section.

She elbowed Frank.

“You see that.”

Frank scoffed.

“Sure.”

Rachel frowned some more.

“You think …?”

Frank crossed his arms.

“You think she’s the type to steal?”

Rachel started to move forward.

“Only one way to find out.”

But Frank quickly placed a hand on her shoulder, and paused her progress forward.

She turned to face him and kept her frown.

“What?”

Frank breathed in deep, and shook his head.

“If it is her, let her burn. She’s not worth it.”

Rachel finally sighed out of exasperation, and wormed his hand off of her shoulder.

“Stop fucking --- _ugh_. Stop fucking saying that.”

Frank frowned.

Rachel frowned with him.

“ _All_ of my friends are worth it, okay? There’s no such thing as someone who isn’t worth my time or energy. Chloe’s a cute girl that needs a cute friend and I’m _not_ going to just ---“

Frank raised his hands in surrender by his chest and just grunted again.

“--- Fine, princess. You think you’re so smart, go ‘save’ her yourself.”

They held a frown at each other for another few tense seconds.

Rachel then realized the longer she argued, the farther away the thief and the vendor were.

She grunted in deep exasperation and turned around, taking off towards the forest herself.

 

Frank watched her go, for a few seconds.

He looked down to the grass.

He closed his eyes.

He thought about when he met Rachel.

 

\---

 

Chloe kept running.

Shit shit shit.

Fuck she was stupid.

Of course she couldn’t just steal a bunch of money and get away with it like fuck how stupid –

While as her brain cursed out her impulsive side, she kept running.

She ran as fast and as far as she could.

Chloe always hated running.

 

She stopped after what had to have at least a dozen miles of running.

Maybe not, but it sure fucking felt like it with the way her chest was about to explode.

Her one bit of consolation was the vendor she stole this from was a fat fuck and probably was having an even worse time than she was.

He had to have been running slower the entire time.

She might have lost him.

Chloe looked around, breathing still so severe that her entire upper chest was being utilized in the process, and listened.

She didn’t hear any more shouting or any quick steps of someone running behind her.

 

She could relax, maybe.

Chloe sighed, and found some tree to lean against.

She slowly fell down to the floor, and kicked some leaves away.

What else do you use leaves for, anyway.

Chloe finally freed the hand that was holding the jar of money by taking the jar out of the protection of the inside of her jacket and placing it down on the earth beneath her.

And she just.

Knocked her head back against the tree.

She brought both of her hands up and pressed them tightly to her face, and slowly dragged them down.

What the _hell_ was she doing?

Going to shows, smoking, drinking, stealing, dressing up like a punk –

This wasn’t who she was, was it?

Would she act like this if Max stayed around?

If her dad hadn’t died?

Was it Rachel’s influence on her?

Was it just the impulsive side getting the better of her?

Or maybe the anti-depressants?

Chloe couldn’t tell, honestly, who she was, anymore.

She slowly leaned forward and allowed her hands to fall down to her legs.

She stared at the jar of money between her legs.

She patted herself down, and grunted, annoyed.

The one time she could have really used a smoke to calm her nerves.

She was out.

Chloe grumbled, crossed her arms, and looked off into the distance of the forest.

Hopefully she could ---

 

Chloe’s heart suddenly jumped up into her throat.

She heard some calm footsteps approaching her general direction.

Chloe tightly and immediately gripped the jar of money, pushed herself tightly against the tree, and looked around.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Some leaves rustled.

The foot steps kept on coming but Chloe didn’t see anything anywhere.

There was just _nothing_ around and ---

“Chloe, is that you? I chased the guy away. You can come out now.”

Rachel’s voice, and it sounded worried.

All Chloe did was worry people.

But she frowned, after the immediate negative instinctual response.

What the hell was Rachel doing out here?

She should be getting high with Frank and ignoring her.

She should be ---

The footsteps stopped, and Chloe could hear Rachel sigh deeply.

There was a few moments of intense stillness.

Rachel hadn’t found her – Chloe still couldn’t see her.

“Maybe it wasn’t even her. God, I’m such an idiot.”

Chloe slumped her head back against the tree.

She then heard the foot steps start to go away.

Chloe’s eyes widened –

She stood up –

“Rachel.”

Chloe said it loudly, to nowhere in particular, and stepped away from the tree to out in the open.

She looked around.

After a few moments, she saw Rachel off some ways away, turned away.

But she paused at Chloe’s word, obviously, and turned around.

Somehow, despite everything, Rachel was smiling.

Chloe couldn’t help but to return it, despite everything.

But then Rachel just sighed, and took a few steps closer.

Chloe crossed her arms.

Rachel kept walking closer until she was a few feet away.

Quiet.

 

It was kind of awkward.

 

Rachel opened her mouth, and tried to vocalize something, but nothing really came out.

Chloe, herself, had a lot of questions she wanted to ask.

But she couldn’t force anything out.

Eventually, Rachel took a step or two closer, until she was basically in front of Chloe.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Chloe frowned.

Rachel’s voice sound oh-so-slightly troubled, and Chloe could see the lines of worry on her face.

“Nothing. I’m perfectly fine.”

Rachel groaned and stepped closer still.

“Chloe.”

Chloe grunted.

“Rachel.”

Rachel sighed.

“You don’t trust me.”

Chloe hesitated.

She couldn’t say that, exactly.

She uncrossed her arms and shoved her hands into her pockets.

“No, I …”

Chloe looked off, away from Rachel, before back to her.

“I trust you probably more than anyone else in my life right now.”

Chloe didn’t know where the part of her that could be so brutally honest came from.

It didn’t feel like her impulsive side winning.

But she certainly didn’t like the feeling of vulnerability that came with it.

Rachel smiled softly, despite all of this.

“Then what? Why freak out and go do all of this? Why pout the entire time we’re at the  ---“

Chloe took her hands out of her pockets and raised her hands to either side of her body,

“--- You’re not really interested in spending time with me.”

Rachel flinched.

Her smile died somewhat.

“What do you mean?”

Chloe hesitated again.

Her hands fell down to either side of her body.

“You don’t really care. Or something. I don’t fucking know but like – you spend all of this time talking to other people when I’m like right here and yeah it’s selfish but fucking like ---“

Rachel stepped right in front of Chloe.

She got up on her tippy toes.

She silenced Chloe’s protests with a kiss, right on the lips.

A for one or two seconds – everything was just –

Chloe didn’t think –

She didn’t –

All that mattered –

Rachel’s lips –

Her hand, gently caressing Chloe’s cheek –

But it was –

Chloe blushed and stepped back.

She unconsciously, impulsively raised a hand up to her lips, and her mouth gaped stupidly.

Rachel blushed too, and looked away for a few seconds.

Chloe couldn’t form words anymore.

Her mind was just stuck replaying the kiss over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and ---

Rachel slowly looked back to Chloe, and smiled.

“Would someone who doesn’t care do that?”

Chloe didn’t have a response ready.

That didn’t feel like a kiss she had with the men in her life.

It didn’t feel like the kiss she had with people who only wanted erotic things out of her.

It wasn’t a functional thing.

It was an emotional one.

It was soft, gentle, and left them both blushing like freshman discussing sex for the first time.

Chloe eventually thawed from her frozen state, and just shoved her hands back into her jacket.

She looked down.

The stress from stealing, the negativity she stewed in all of the ride here, Rachel’s sudden kiss and concern –

It filled Chloe with a bunch of anxious, confusing, conflicting emotions.

She sniffled and looked down.

“I just …”

Chloe found some words, but not enough to placate either of them.

Rachel hesitated, but closed the distance Chloe put between them.

Chloe could feel Rachel’s exhaling on her face.

Her eyes were closed, but she could still visualize every second of the rising and falling of Rachel’s chest.

Rachel raised a hand up, and gently ran it along some strands of hair on the side of Chloe’s head.

Chloe unconsciously slumped forward.

Their foreheads met.

As much as the height difference allowed, anyway.

Chloe exhaled deeply, unevenly, at Rachel’s face.

Her voice came out quiet and harmed.

“I just don’t want to be left alone again, Rachel.”

Rachel hesitated.

Chloe noticed.

“So if you don’t --- if you’re not … If you … “

Chloe tried the sentence a few times, but it always sounded lame and pathetic as it started to come out, and she could never finish it.

Rachel tipped up on her toes again and kissed Chloe once more.

Chloe didn’t want to cry.

She didn’t want to think.

She didn’t want to feel.

She slumped more into the kiss and felt everything at once.

The uneasy sensation of warm summer air colliding with what of her skin was exposed.

The pleasant comfort of Rachel’s breathing regularly and evenly hitting her face.

Rachel’s fingers gently playing and dancing along her cheek, nails both too involved to be entirely gentle and too absent to be teasing or erotic.

Rachel’s lips.

Once again, she was not forceful or firm in her kissing.

She connected slowly, she pressed in more slowly, and she broke away ever-so-slightly at quick, regular intervals to reengage just as gently again.

Chloe didn’t want to cry.

She didn’t want to think.

She didn’t want to feel.

She didn’t want to be alone.

And she wasn’t, with Rachel right here, right now.

After some time had passed – Chloe wouldn’t be able to tell just how long – Rachel broke away from the kissing more fully, and went back to resting their faces against one another.

“Chloe.”

Rachel spoke in a gentle, almost halting manner, with her voice barely above a whisper, though dripping with unbidden affection.

“I’m not leaving you.”

Chloe inhaled deeply, still with her eyes closed, and sniffled.

“But you … your phone … going with … Frank …”

Chloe felt pathetic to still be protesting after all of that, but she couldn’t help it.

Rachel gently bit at the tip of her nose.

“If I’m here, it’s because I want to be with you. We don’t have to fill every waking second with talking with another, though, okay? And I have other friends I’d like to keep in touch with, too.”

Chloe bit her lip.

She felt so incredibly selfish when Rachel framed it like that.

But.

Still.

She couldn’t…

She didn’t want to keep messing this up.

But she just couldn’t help it.

“Do you kiss any of your friends?”

Rachel exhaled pointedly at Chloe’s face again.

Chloe finally opened her eyes, to see Rachel’s face drowning in the sympathies it had been in all of this time.

Rachel brought her second hand up to Chloe’s other cheek, and then slowly lowered both of her hands to rest her arms on Chloe’s shoulders.

She smiled.

“Just one.”

The last of Chloe’s holdups, however significant or small they were, melted away at the assurance.

Chloe sniffled and she looked down and she exhaled, amused, and she looked away and she looked back and she –

She kissed Rachel.

She moved her own hands to Rachel’s sides and she kissed this girl.

Chloe didn’t know if she was gay, or if she was confused, or whateverthefuck.

But she did know that she liked kissing Rachel.

She did know that she liked feeling Rachel’s hands on her cheeks, like that.

And she did know that there was really only one person she trusted anymore.

 

Chloe put the jar of money back into her jacket and the two walked back to the van.

“So, I just, I want to know …”

Rachel had been resting her head on Chloe’s shoulder as they walked.

Chloe would have been more embracing of Rachel’s presence if she wasn’t trying to hide the very conscious jar of money in her jacket.

Rachel just hummed thoughtfully.

“Yeah?”

Chloe exhaled pleasantly.

“Does this mean I get to kiss you whenever I want to?”

Rachel stopped walking, and Chloe immediately did as well to not separate.

They faced each other, and Rachel stood up on her tippy toes again to kiss at Chloe’s cheek.

“Maybe. Is that what you want, Chloe? Do you want me on your arm?”

Chloe hesitated.

Could she ---

Did she ---

Was that even ---

Chloe’s impulsive side got the better of her.

“I don’t know. I haven’t … ”

Chloe braced for the worst when Rachel’s immediate reaction was a small frown.

But then she just smiled and nodded.

She moved over to Chloe’s side again and put her head back on Chloe’s shoulder.

“Then think about it, yeah? We’ll have a date, or something. See if you can put up with me for a few hours.”

Chloe laughed, earnestly, and shook her head.

Still, she was blushing furiously, and was thankful for the easy out.

“See if you can put up with _me_.”

Rachel rubbed at the same Chloe arm she was resting on.

It felt nice.

“Nu-uh. See if you can put up with _me._ ”

They just laughed, earnestly, openly.

Chloe almost forgot about the shitload of money she just stole.

Almost.

 

Eventually, they made it back to the van, and Chloe inelegantly hid the jar of money under one of the seats.

Rachel tapped her on the shoulder.

Chloe turned around to face her.

Rachel smiled.

“You probably want to take the jacket off too. Just in case the police come.”

Chloe frowned for a few seconds, but then got a devious thought, and started to take off her jacket.

Rachel moved past her to back into the van, and opened the glove box.

Chloe turned around and Rachel tossed a beanie to her from the seat of the van.

Chloe blinked, but tossed her jacket to Rachel all the same.

“What’s this?”

Rachel got up and out of the van, having disposed of the jacket in some manner while Chloe was looking at the beanie, and closed the van’s door behind her.

Rachel walked right up to Chloe, took the beanie out of her hands, and put it on Chloe’s head.

She then frowned, hummed thoughtfully, and spent a few moments adjusting it.

Chloe couldn’t help but to notice Rachel’s perfume when she was so close.

Something out of a Hollister, probably.

But Chloe liked smelling it.

After Rachel was done fussing with it, she pulled away from Chloe and crossed her arms with a thoughtful hum.

“Hmmm. I’m liking the beanie.”

Chloe exhaled, amused, and looked off to the side.

“Bet you like me with less clothes on, too.”

Rachel giggled.

Chloe slowly looked back to her and rubbed at the back of her neck.

“The jacket, I mean.”

Rachel just giggled again and brushed her way past Chloe.

“Maybe. Not just the jacket.”

Chloe just blushed and watched Rachel walk away, frozen in place.

Rachel just giggled again.

Chloe eventually regained her composure and slowly caught up to Rachel.

Rachel looked back with that warm smile she always had.

“Don’t ever get better at flirting, by the way. It’s fucking adorable.”

Chloe couldn’t meet Rachel’s eyes when she was beaming like that and she just –

“You don’t mind me stealing?”

\-- needed a topic change.

Rachel paused in her walking until Chloe fully caught up to her side, and then they walked side by side.

Rachel hummed thoughtfully.

“Would be pretty hypocritical of me to.”

Chloe frowned, a little bit.

“How much have you stolen?”

Rachel just sighed and shook her head.

“Enough. It’s not important. What is important is that I don’t do it anymore, and you probably shouldn’t either.”

Chloe went quiet in consideration.

It’s not like she _wanted_ to steal …

Rachel put her head on Chloe’s shoulder again.

Chloe eventually came to find this quite relaxing, even if they were increasingly being surrounded by an ever larger and louder crowd.

“Maybe. But it’s like … how fucking fair is it? I was born with _nothing_ and I have even less now. Half of these … _fucks_ …”

Rachel gently rubbed at Chloe’s arm, again, and the sensation was alarmingly relaxing now that it was to bare skin, since Chloe had only a tank on now that her jacket was gone.

Chloe just sighed uselessly.

“I don’t know. Some of these assholes don’t deserve anything.”

Rachel hummed pleasantly.

“Everyone deserves to be happy.”

Chloe just grumbled.

But she stopped, after a little while, under Rachel’s continued affection to her arm.

Rachel wasn’t _wrong_ , just.

Fuck.

The world just wasn’t fucking fair sometimes.

 

But.

She had weed.

Rachel’s weed, anyway.

She was at a concert that she did actually want to go to.

And she was going there with someone that she could at least call a friend.

That was something more than Chloe could have said for years of her life.

Something more than nothing.

They blended into the crowd, and there was just too many people even if the police did come.

Frank rejoined them later, and Rachel didn’t spend all of the time talking to Chloe.

But after that kiss –

After that assurance –

After seeing that blush on Rachel’s face –

Chloe found it easier to believe Rachel wanted to be around her.

Maybe just for now.

Maybe for a while.

It was enough, at least, to silence that stupid fucking part of herself, that kept trying to fuck everything up.

Chloe wasn’t going to fuck up the one last bright spot in her life.

Besides.

The quiet time, when Rachel was close, either on her shoulder again or just in proximity, gave Chloe time to think.

Time to process and figure out when exactly she started to feel attracted to Rachel.

Was it the kiss?

Was it when Rachel asked her to share her load?

Was it when Rachel played in a band?

Was it the first moment Chloe saw her?

Was it just denial, all of this time?

Maybe it didn’t matter.

Chloe looked to the stage, took another hit of weed, and just focused on the show.

What mattered is that she liked Rachel.

And Rachel liked her.

 

Much later, Rachel and Chloe piled into the back of the van.

But.

There was a problem.

Frank huffed, and turned from the driver’s seat to look at the two in the back.

“I’m not fucking driving all night for you two princesses.”

Rachel just rolled her eys and sighed.

“Fine, fine fine – I’ll drive in the morning. Just drive us to a park or something away from all of these people.”

Frank continued to frown, but eventually looked forward and put the van into gear.

Rachel went through some of the crap in the back of the van.

Chloe quietly reached up and took the beanie off of her head.

She hadn’t really paid it much mind all of this time, but it was odd to her that Rachel just had it so readily available, like that.

Chloe flipped it around but didn’t really find anything of value about it.

It was just some dark blue thing.

“Hey Rach?”

Rachel hummed a wordless question.

“You just keep random-ass beanies on you?”

Rachel paused in her searching.

She pulled out a blanket, tossed it towards Chloe, and sighed.

“No. Not random beanies.”

Chloe blinked, and looked down to it.

Rachel inched over on her knees until she was in front of Chloe again.

She knocked the blanket away for now, and took the beanie into her hands.

Now they were both looking at it.

Rachel was smiling, though.

“This was my sister’s, but …”

She ran her fingers along it for just a little while longer, before putting it back in Chloe’s hands.

“I think it looks better on you.”

Chloe was speechless.

Her jaw just slacked like the big dumb idiot she was.

Rachel gave her a family memento?

Casually?

Like –

Rachel then smiled broadly and scootched over to one side of Chloe’s body.

She sat down next to her, brought the blanket over the two of them, and sighed.

“Hope you don’t mind sleeping with me.”

Despite it all, Chloe found her own grin, and settled into Rachel’s side as well.

“Hope _you_ don’t mind sleeping with _me_.”

Rachel closed her eyes and just.

Exhaled.

“Dork.”


End file.
